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Thursday, September 29, 2005
Board Of Review Part II And The Aftermath
Due to a news conference, I missed the first 10 minutes of the show. From what I can gather, Jacyln is staying, but she and Michael are no longer a 'couple'. When the show begins for me, Lou is at the podium. He seems defensive and a little angry. He says he wants an A because he is supporting his wife and all the people in the house. His housemates give him feedback, and they all basically tell him the same thing: he has work to do. All of them say he should stay except Cheryl, who doesn't think he's ready. Rhonda says that the car saga concerns her. Lou says he knows he dropped the ball and realizes now that if he wouldn't clean the car, it would mean others would have to do it for him. He understands that he left them all out in the cold and says he's not a team player. Iyanla tells him that the car symbolizes him (again with the car!!), and that if he isn't accountable for himself and doesn't take responsibility for himself, someone else must--in his case that person is usually Jennifer.
Rhonda says that Lou had to be an adult when he was a little boy, and because of that he became that little boy when he became a man. She tells him that the little boy is running his life, and that he has to love that little boy enough to help him grow up to be a man. She gives him a C, which would normally mean he would have to leave immediately, but she's giving him 48 hours to turn things around. Lou says he doesn't want to wait, and wants help NOW. Rhonda tells him that's his little boy who is always wanting things now and is unable to exercise patience. The BOR is dismissed.
Lou and Jen are outside. He is saying he doesn't know what they (the life coaches) want from him. Jennifer finds Lou's behavior childlike and flippant. Jennifer and Lou are not communicating well, and they are bickering, but it's unclear what they're arguing about. Jen says she doesn't trust Lou, and this makes him angrier.
Cheryl and Troy are also outside. Cheryl tells him that she doesn't deserve him and that she is ugly inside. She talks about how she has used men her whole life. They discuss her first husband and how she dumped him and then moved in with his first ex-wife. Cheryl and Troy have a very complicated life, it seems. Cheryl says she seduces men and then like a black widow, 'kills' them (I guess she means sheemotionally kills them). She talks about how she got Troy--by using sex and seducing him in every way possible, then she 'burned' him in the same way, by using sex when she cheated on him. She says she turned Troy into a version of herself and tells him she is sorry. She says they have to stop the co-dependency.
Simon seems to be getting the most out of the SO house. He feels free and feels emotional barriers coming down. He says he wants his voice to shine through the darkness. I'm so happy for him.
Michael finds Jacyln in her room, gives her a rose, and asks for a date. He tells her he wants to get to know this woman, Jacyln. The go outside to talk. Jacyln feels nobody wants her at the house, including Michael. They are both crying and Jacyln says Iyanla thinks she is a horrible person. She doesn't feel good about herself, and is scared she will never find out who she truly is inside. Michael is also scared for Jacyln and is also worried she will never find her true self.
Jennifer and Lou continue their undefined arguing. Lou seems very agitated. Jen says she 'wears the pants' in the relationship and Lou lets her. Jennifer tells Lou that she has trust issues that stem from her childhood and that she doesn't trust anyone, including him. She feels Lou is not listening, and I don't think he is either. They decide to call it a night. Something is really bothering Lou, but I don't think he has any idea what it is.
Jacyln tells Michael she feels so alone and that nobody knows her because she never let anyone in. Michael asks how he can help her, but Jacyln says she has to do this alone. She stays outside and sobs after Michael goes in. I really hope she find herself. She's very young, and I think she will grow a lot from this experience.
Preview for tomorrow shows Dr. Stan meeting with an agitated, confused Lou. Jacyln and Michael seem miserable and something pushes Kacie 'over the edge'.
Wednesday, September 28, 2005
Board Of Review Part I
Dr. Stan meets with Jacyln and Michael today on the topic of finances. The session, however, quickly turns to Jacyln and her parents' expectations that she have a career. Michael also feels that he doesn't want to marry a woman who doesn't 'support' the family. Stan says that it's okay for Jacyln, only 23, not to know what she wants to do with her life yet, and tells Michael that he chose to be with Jacyln 2 1/2 years ago, when she was 20 years old. Michael can't expect a person that young to be established in a career, etc. Stan tells Jacyln she has to become autonomous and independent before she can have a successful relationship.
Rhonda sets up an exercise with Cheryl and Troy that demonstrates how Troy must walk on eggshells around Cheryl because Cheryl blows up or becomes icy cold when he honestly expresses displeasure. I'm not sure Cheryl totally understands the point of this exercise, and this becomes evident in the BOR. So let's get right to it.
The Board of Review is a time when houseguests are given feedback, evaluated and given a grade of A, B, or C. If given a C, they will be asked to leave. Usually in the BOR, a person given a C is on probation, but in the couple's SO, get one C and you're gone...
So Cheryl is up first. She feels she is learning to communicate and find answers and says she is still working on relinquishing control. She is asked to evaluate herself and gives herself a grade of B. Her housemates give her some constructive feedback: Kacie tells her she still needs to open up more. Jacyln thinks Cheryl is still resisting the process, and Lou and Jen believe Cheryl is still doubting herself too often. Rhonda asks Cheryl if she is more open since entering the SO house. Cheryl feels she is, and starts crying. She speaks of her bad childhood and the emotional neglect she suffered. She says she doesn't know how to give love. Things are looking good for Cheryl's BOR, but it starts to go downhill when Rhonda asks Cheryl if she uses her son as a pawn. Cheryl becomes very defensive and starts blaming Troy for her behavior. Cheryl moved herself and her son into another man's house after left Troy because she found out he was chatting with women online. She blames Troy for this decision. Iyanla says, 'how dare you' blame Troy her this behavior! Iyanla tells Cheryl that when she denigrates and cheats on Troy, she is also denigrating her son because Troy is their son's major role model. Cheryl is incredibly upset over this truth being exposed. Iyanla gives her a grade of B-, and tells Cheryl that her greatest fear has been realized--that she hasn't done things right. Iyanla says, 'welcome to your healing'. Cheryl sits down, but is still very upset and openly crying.
Next up is Simon. Simon says he is learning to love and to communicate. He says he has stopped being a little boy, but still needs to work on expressing his feelings. He gives himself a grade of B. The houseguests give him feedback. Jacyln says he has been opening up, and Michael feels that he is giving into the process. Lou also feels that Simon is doing well, asking questions, and remaining open. Cheryl is still sobbing loudly and Lou tells her to just let go and let it out. She apologizes and appears to calm down after this interruption of the preceedings.
Back to Simon's BOR. Rhonda says that although she thought he may not have been ready for SO initially, she sees that Simon is willing to go for it. Iyanla says the true test of a person is when he is afraid to do something, but wants it more than the fear, and doesn't let that fear stop him. Iyanla gives Simon a grade of A because of 'who you are, and who you are becoming'. Simon is very touched by this and cries as he thanks everybody in the house for helping him through this process. I have high hopes for Simon.
Now Jacyln comes to the podium. She admits that she opened up to the process only after finding out about the BOR. She says she has not been honest with herself, and is very afraid of being judged if she were to be completely honest about who she is. Iyanla asks Jacyln who she is, and Jacyln cries and says she doesn't know. Iyanla says that the world has found out that Jacyln is a phony, and that her worst fears have been realized. Jacyln gives herself a grade of B+ and says she recognizes that she is a phony, and is tired of putting on a pretty face to hide behind. Jennifer begins crying and says that she identifies with Jacyln and also feels like a phony. Rhonda asks the housemates whether Jacyln is ready to be there and whether she should stay. All the housemates says she is and should stay--all the housemates except Michael, that is. Michael becomes very quiet, and then says that Jacyln should leave if she's not ready. He then begins crying. Jacyln is also crying... And that's how the episode ends.
The preview for tomorrow shows a continuation of the BOR. We will find out Jacyln's fate and also see that Lou is called up to the podium after Jacyln. I feel sad for Jacyln. She may in fact not be ready for SO. She is very young, and I feel that her relationship with Michael is not right for her (or Michael). We shall see what tomorrow brings.
Tuesday, September 27, 2005
Car Won't Start, Finances
The episode begins with Lou still refusing the car exercise--how long can this go on?? Rhonda is talking with him and he is angry/cursing and generally making an ass of himself. Jen suddenly realizes they are going to get thrown out if they don't do the assignment, and changes her tune, saying she will indeed do the exercise. Upon Jen's realization, Lou then has an immediate about-face, and says he will do the exercise.
Next we move on to a couple's obstacle course. Each couple will compete to win a night alone together. To win, they have to complete an obstacle course in the fastest time--the hitch is each couple's legs will be tied together, and so this becomes a three-legged obstacle course race. Lou an Jen wind up winning, but instead of taking their prize, they give it to Cheryl and Lou. Rhonda wonders whether they are being generous, or whether Lou/Jen really don't want to spend time together alone. I think it's the latter.
Lou continues to complain about the car exercise to the other couples. They all look fed-up with him as he continues to curse and tell everybody that the exercise is worthless, etc. Michael says that Lou is 'putting on a show', and is not too pleased listening to Lou's over-the-top complaining. Lou then speaks with Iyanla outside by the car and tells her the exercise is BS, and that it didn't do anything for him. He feels that SO has dropped the ball. Iyanla looks as if she's had enough of Lou and tells him that he won't get anything out of any exercise if he chooses not to get anything out of it. This shuts Lou up, but he is still perturbed. The couples mistakenly lock the keys in the car, and Iyanla thinks that is symbolic of there being something locked up inside of them. Michael finally gets it unlocked with a coat hanger.
A board of review is announced (again), and the couples intermittently speak of their concerns about it. Jacyln feels incredible self-doubt and worries she might be asked to leave. Lou says he is not nervous at all, but Jen is anxious that he might be asked to leave over the ongoing car saga.
Rhonda speaks with the couples about finances and asks them who is in charge of them within each couple. Kacie is in charge (surprising) in Kacie/Simon relationship, Cheryl in hers, and of course Jen is in charge in her relationship. A financial expert, Lynette Khalfani, comes in to talk to the couples, and she offers some interesting information. She says that 70% of divorcing couples cite financial strife as a main reason for the divorce. She suggests setting up auto-pay for bills, and also tells the couples they should have 5-7 times their annual salaries in life insurance. She says finances have less to do with how much you make, and more to do with how you manage what you do make.
Back to the car. Iyanla begins her inspection with all the couples present. She gets in and the car won't start! Although the couples have worked hard to make the car look good, it doesn't run which is quite interesting and telling about the way they run their lives, so says Iyanla. She says there will be consequences for not completing the assignment at the upcoming BOR. The couples are worried.
Stan makes an appearance and meets with the women to further discuss finances; Rhonda meets with the men. Stan tells the women that we tend to project our feelings about money onto our partners, and talks about the emotional aspects of money.
As Rhonda meets with the men and talks with them about money, Lou drops a bomb: Out of the blue he tells Rhonda and the other men that had he met Jen today, he would not have chosen to be with her! Wow! He says that Jen was a catalyst for him improving his life and becoming a better person, but now that he has done that (!!), he doesn't 'need' Jen anymore. OMG. I can't imagine how Jen will feel if/when she sees this episode. I do see Lou's point however. Jen set herself up to be Lou's 'mom' and now Lou feels that he has grown up (although that’s certainly very debatable). There's an interesting dynamic between these two.
Rhonda meets one-on-one with Jen and Lou, and arguing between the two ensues. Lou feels that Jen doesn't respect him in any way and is always stepping on his toes. He tells Jen he 'hates' her for it. Jen says she doesn't trust Lou, and he tells her she is 'chock full of sh*t'. In some ways, I really believe Lou does hate Jen. It's a very sad situation from my perspective.
Again, we will have to wait for tomorrow's episode for the BOR. They are dragging this one out, but in the preview, they promise tomorrow will be an 'explosive' hour. We'll see...
Monday, September 26, 2005
Lou Rebels, Simon Reaches Deep (Now With Screenshots!)
The show opens with Jacyln and Michael continuing their talk from Friday's episode. Jacyln is beginning to understand more clearly the role she plays in their co-dependent relationship. She controls Michael because she fears if she doesn't, she will lose him. Of course, quite the opposite is true. Jacyln must let go of this control, or Michael will eventually leave. Iyanla tells Michael he must clean up his relationship with his mother.
Next the couples go outside to find a dirty, broken down car with a flat tire. They are all expected to pitch in and fix it up. The couples make a list of things that need to be done and assign tasks. Then they have a group meeting with Iyanla.
Iyanla speaks to the couples about cooperation and personal power. She says when there is a lack of power, there is no cooperation, but instead there is competition between two people. When there is authentic power, the powers merge and become even more powerful. The couples discuss their co-dependence. Lou defines his co-dependence with Jen as not being a man, and letting her take responsibility for things. Cheryl says it is when she feels bad just because he feels bad. Iyanla describes this behavior as emeshed boundaries. Simon's facade of strength breaks down in this session as he describes what he does to manipulate Kacie. He says he doesn't like her friends and becomes cold/distant as a way to punish Kacie. He punishes her because he feels she is punishing him for not being 'good enough', and for not being a 'movie star'. Simon cries and shows his vulnerability, but Kacie doesn' seem impressed. She sits with her arms folded over her. Iyanla comforts him and tells him he is good enough just the way he is. Iyanla tells Kacie that her emotional breakdowns every time things get difficult is a form of manipulation. Iyanla goes further and says Kacie turns into a seven year old and cries, instead of confronting problems like an adult. Kacie is furious about this, and argues with Iyanla. Once Iyanla defined what Kacie was doing, I could clearly see it was true. I hope Kacie will be able to recognize it and change this behavior.
Iyanla makes an interesting observation: When we are in a relationship and the person loves you, it brings out all of our feelings of being unloved. Because these feelings are painful, we spend all of our time trying to suppress them. When this suppression becomes too painful, we are ready to heal.
The couples go back out to the car, only to find it has greatly deteriorated since they last saw it. Now there is trash piled up in the car and things spilled all over the upholstery.
It is a horrible mess, and Lou immediately becomes angry and says he will not clean it. Jen is in agreement with Lou, and they both seem very self-satisfied with their decision not to do the assignment. The other couples feel Jen and Lou are being arrogant, and are becoming angry with them.
Iyanla and Rhonda meets with the couples outside around the car, and Lou explains that he 'gets' the metaphor that the car is symbolic of the work they need to do to clean up their relationships, but he adamantly refuses to clean the car. Jennifer backs him up, and Iyanla tries to explain to them that they must do the assignment. Lou refuses. Iyanla says if they don't do it, they will have to pack their bags. The situation becomes even more heated as Lou continues his refusal and gets loud. Rhonda literally 'shushes' Lou by putting her hand up to his mouth.
And this is how the episode ends.
Tomorrow's preview shows Lou still refusing, and Rhonda/Iyanla calling a board of review. Jen is worried Lou might be asked to leave for refusing the assignment. Either Lou is on the verge of a breakthrough, or it's bye-bye Lou...
Friday, September 23, 2005
Pool Party, Communication And Cooperation
Today one partner has to guide the other (who has been blindfolded), over a 'bridge' that has been built over the span of the pool. This exercise is meant to improve communication and cooperation between the couples. Jacyln and Michael go first. Jacyln is blindfolded and feels unsteady, but Michael successfully leads her over the obstacle, and all is well. Next Jennifer and Lou are up. Jennifer, who was briefly married to another man before Lou, tells an interesting and strange story about her first husband's behavior. Her first husband, angry with Jennifer, asked her to go out to the pool in their apartment complex because he wanted to show her a 'pretty flower' that was growing near it. She followed him to the pool, at which point he pushed her in. This strange incident left Jennifer distrustful, and now this pool exercise has brought that distrust front and center. Lou, however, expertly guides the blindfolded Jennifer over the bridge, and we can all breathe a sigh of relief. The other two couples do just as well, although Simon (the blindfolded one), is at first resistant to Kacie's guidance (as usual), and must be called out a few times before he follows her direction.
Simon continues to isolate himself and disrespect Kacie by not listening to her, and he is now arguing with her about the arrangements they made for their daughter while they are at the SO house. Iyanla meets with them, and assesses the situation... She concludes that Simon is spoiled, and that Kacie has contributed to this spoiling by allowing him to be disrespectful, tolerating it when he isolates himself and generally not putting her foot down when he treats her poorly. Iyanla gets Kacie to apologize to Simon (!!), for spoiling him. ...Interesting reaction by Iyanla.
Later we see a group meeting with Rhonda. Michael talks about his unresolved anger at his mom for the way she belittled his dad. Cheryl talks about how her family wanted a son, not a daughter (sounds like Candy's issue from Season 2), and the family made a 'joke' that her name was not Cheryl, but 'Little Earl'. This nickname was extremely painful for Cheryl, and she never felt accepted as a female. That is why she has taken on male characteristics in her life and in her relationship with Troy. It's probably also why she has trouble being vulnerable and expressing her feelings in a non-angry way.
Iyanla meets with Michael alone, and Michael further discusses his issues with his mother. Michael cannot forgive his mom and has absolutely no relationship with her at all. He holds his mom guilty and is unwilling to forgive her. Iyanla points out that Jacyln is doing the same thing to him that he is doing to his mom, in that Jacyln holds Michael guilty for his infidelity and continues to punish him for it. Iyanla tells him that he must find forgiveness for his mom, or he will never have a good relationship with a woman. Iyanla then puts handcuffs on Michael, which represent Jacyln's hold over him. Jacyln uses guilt to control Michael. Iyanla asks Michael whether he would to stay bound like that forever, or whether he would leave Jacyln in order to be free. Michael says he would rather leave than be Jacyln's prisoner. So Iyanla calls Jacyln in, and attaches a leash to Michael's handcuffs. She hands the leash to Jacyln and tells Michael to repeat what he told her (that he would leave Jacyln if she is going to hold him prisoner and never forgive him). Jacyln is very upset and is very scared that she is going to lose Michael. I personally feel this relationship won't last--Michael seems very unhappy, and has so far not given a lot of indication that he truly wants things to work out. Relationships can undergo great changes, however, and so there is always hope. But the previews for next week don't look good for Jacyln and Michael...
Next week's preview:
Jacyln is crying and saying she is scared. Michael is holding her. Then there is a meeting in which Michael might ask Jacyln to leave... I didn't know one partner could ask the other to leave!! It seems a little unfair, but editing isn't always 100% accurate, so we'll have to wait 'til next week. The saga continues...
Thursday, September 22, 2005
Stan The Man, Communication And The Brink Of A Breakthrough
Dr. Stan shows up! I was wondering when we were going to see him. The episode begins with Stan taking they guys to the basketball court and discussing communication with them. He tells them that communication is the sending of a message that is received accurately. In order to have effective communication one must be an active listener, ask open-ended questions and seek to understand (not necessarily agree), with the person who is communicating with you. Good advice.
Iyanla then has a group meeting with the couples. First we learn that Michael did not do his assignment, and when Iyanla asks why not, he says it is because he already gets the lesson--he is to learn to do for himself before he does for others. Iyanla is not too happy with Michael not even attempting the assignment, but only gives him a warning that in the future he must do his assignments. He got off easy compared to the way Iyanla reacted last year when someone decided not to do their assignment...
Iyanla asks what Jennifer's expectations of Lou were when they first got married. She says she expected him to take care of her financially, like her father did. In essence, she says she was looking for a father in Lou. When Lou failed to be the provider in the successful way Jennifer's dad is, Jennifer turned against him and began to feel disrespect for him. Lou's expectations of Jennifer were that she be his mother-figure. He says he wanted someone to take care of him--to nurture him. Iyanla says they were both using each other, and that they weren't looking for a marriage, they're were each trying to recreate their childhoods. These expectations they have are one of the main reasons why their sex life is almost non-existent.
Later Iyanla meets with Kacie and Simon. Iyanla tries to impress upon Simon that Kacie's body is not 'his'; Kacie's body is hers and she shares it with Simon. Simon says he does not want Kacie to dress provocatively, but the root of the problem finally comes out in this session: It seems Kacie only dresses in a sexy manner when she leaves the house, and never for Simon. Aha! Now we see one of the reasons why Simon is so angry about this issue. It doesn't make Simon's possessiveness right, but it does make more sense now... Kacie begins to talk about Simon's eyes when he gets angry with her. She says his eyes are 'mean' and she can't bear to look at them when he's mad. Iyanla asks who his eyes remind her of, and Kacie has a breakdown. She begins to sob as she remembers the eyes of the man who molested her when she was a child. I thought I was going to break down and cry along with her. That poor girl has been through a lot, and I wonder whether Simon has it in him to help her through her troubled past. Simon himself admits that he doesn't know how to help his wife deal with the molestation, but he does appear willing to try if giving the tools. He will have to give up his rigidity and become more emotionally vulnerable before he will be able to be the rock that Kacie needs to weather this storm.
Dr. Stan meets with Jacyln and Michael. Jaclyn tells Stan about the sexual assault, and speaks about flashbacks of the event. She says she sees her attacker when she and Michael try to become intimate. She sees the attacker's face instead of Michael's... Although this issue is not really resolved during this session, I feel that Jacyln will need therapy to get over and beyond her ordeal. Flashbacks are a sure sign of PTSD, and she really needs professional, one on one help to resolve it. They go on to discuss the way in which Jacyln punishes Michael for his infidelity. Stan reiterates what Iyanla told Jacyln yesterday--if she doesn't stop punishing Michael, he will eventually leave. Michael agrees with Stan's assessment, and says he doesn't know how much longer he can stand the punishment. Because Michael and Jacyln are not yet married (or even engaged), there is not as much 'glue' holding them together. I worry about this relationship, and wonder whether they will make it.
The couples go out for a night of salsa dancing at the end of the day. Simon acts distant and detached from the event. When Kacie tries to guide him through the dance steps, he becomes angry and withdraws even further. By the end of the evening, Simon is sitting alone, and Kacie is sitting with the other couples looking miserable. Cheryl and
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
Louie, Louie and Jennifer, Jacyln and Michael
Today we get into the lives of Jen and Lou, and see more of Jen's controlling nature. We also hear about the tribulations that Jacyln has faced.
In the morning meeting, we find out that Jennifer's father is an attorney, and that she was also expected to go into law. When she instead went to cosmetology school, her parents were very disappointed. After a year of being a hair dresser, Jennifer gives it up to go work for her father's law firm. Jennifer admits that her father takes precedence over Lou, and that she feels she has never completely left the nest. This situation will have to change before she and Lou can be equals, and before her marriage can come before her father's expectations. We also learn that Lou used to be in a successful band, and that Jennifer managed the band. For reasons that aren't clear, however, the band broke up, and both Jennifer and Lou are still very upset over the break-up.
Now onto Jacyln and Michael... I get the sense that Jacyln is a volcano underneath her pretty, calm exterior. She has experienced major violation by Michael, through his infidelity, and even more devastating, she was a victim of sexual assault by a man who gave her a 'date rape' drug two months after Michael's betrayal. Jacyln is ready to explode or perhaps fall apart. She has been unable to forgive Michael his indiscretion, and she has not dealt with her feelings about the sexual assault. Jacyln admits to Iyanla that she doesn't know how to express her feelings, and Iyanla guides her through. After this emotional session, Iyanla warns Jacyln that her treatment of Michael will eventually drive him into the arms of another woman... It seems that Jacyln has become abusive towards Michael since his infidelity, and she feels the need to continuously punish him. Iyanla gives Jacyln an assignment: Show love and kindness to Michael--build up his self-esteem and make him feel like a man again. Iyanla says that Michael is a 'yes man,' and to cure him of this behavior, she gives him an assignment as well. He is to make dinner and breakfast for all the housemates every day until he learns to stop taking care of others so much, and start caring for himself.
Lou and Jennifer meet with Rhonda. Rhonda has an outside activity for them--Rhonda tells Jennifer to tie one of Lou's hands behind his back, blindfold him and tie his feet together, so that he is standing there helpless. Now Rhonda gives them each one end of a rope, and they are to play tug-of-war over a mud pit. Rhonda is demonstrating how Jennifer's controlling behavior has left Lou incapacitated and completely vulnerable. Jennifer is upset over Lou's obvious disadvantage, and refuses to pull Lou into the mud pit. Rhonda tells Jennifer that this scenario represents the way she fights with Lou every day. Jennifer becomes very emotional and begins to see how her controlling behavior and inability to let Lou take charge of anything is unfair and actually makes Lou seem unattractive and disrespected in her eyes.
Iyanla has an interaction with Simon when she sees him isolating himself again in the backyard. Simon talks to Iyanla and tells her that he does know how to express his feelings (very similar to Jacyln's problem), and in the past the only way he expressed himself was through fighting. Iyanla tells him that he was never given the words to express himself, and that he will need to learn verbal ways of communicating, instead of striking out at others, or becoming distant and isolating himself.
Interspersed with the activity are tidbits from Iyanla and Rhonda about the nature of intimate relationships. They believe that the person you marry is the person who has the ability to heal your past. Each person pushes the other one's buttons in such a way that it forces them to deal with the past and resolve it once and for all.
The show ends with a commitment ceremony. Each person tells his/her partner what s/he wants from the other, the partner agrees, and one by one they take off the backpack of disrespect they've been wearing. ...Nice show today! I'm very curious to see the growth and direction towards which each couple is heading.
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
Simon the Controller, Cheryl and Troy's War-Torn Marriage
Today's episode picks up where it left off yesterday. All the couples are expected to wear a backpack of disrespect. Each backpack is filled with small bags of sand, symbolizing each person's disrespect of his/her partner. Rhonda tells them that the way to get and give respect is to set boundaries. The couples have to wear these backpacks until they fully integrate this lesson.
Today's focus is on Simon and Kacie, and Cheryl and Troy.
Simon and Kacie's relationship troubles are now becoming clear. Kacie is the product of foster care. She had a very difficult childhood, and fears abandonment because of her past. Simon is incredibly controlling, and much of Kacie's actions are governed by whether Simon will approve. She does not want to make him angry (and that is very easy to do), so she has taken to hiding things from him. Yesterday's preview alluded to secrets she has been keeping from Simon. The preview made it appear as though Kacie was hiding something of great significance from Simon, but in the tradition of SO's sometimes over-the-top editing style, it turns out that the secret was not infidelity or anything of great importance. Iyanla set up an exercise in which Kacie and Simon sit in a bathtub together and release pent-up feeling/secrets they have kept. In this exercise, we find out that what Kacie has been hiding is that she sometimes changes into more revealing clothes (clothes that Simon wouldn't approve of) when Simon is not around, and that she watches movies and eats 'junk food' Simon finds objectionable. Hmmm. Simon is one demanding guy! I do not like Simon very much at this point, but he did come on the show, so at least he is willing to examine his behavior. My hope is that Kacie can begin to love herself, and that Simon will learn that his 'my way or the highway' attitude is destructive not only for himself, but for Kacie and their 4 year old daughter. Iyanla is their main life coach, and she revealed their goal today; it is 'Finding the Middle Ground'.
Cheryl and Troy are spotlighted next. The couple has separated several times throughout their relationship. Both of them were in the military and Troy went to Desert Storm. This long separation during the war (he was gone a year) led to a breakdown in their marriage, and they split up soon after he returned. Cheryl began to think that Troy was going to leave her when she found him chatting with women online, so she decided to do the leaving first. She met a man online, and then in a move I can only characterize as reckless, she moved herself AND her son in with this man! In Cheryl's way of reasoning, she felt unhappy, and blamed Troy for her unhappiness. Leave Troy=gain happiness. Soon after she shacked up with the other man, however, she realized that it wasn't Troy who was making her unhappy; it was herself. So the two reconciled, but have never truly dealt with the relationship issues that have plagued their marriage. Troy still flirts in online chatrooms, and Cheryl rightly feels betrayed by his behavior. In an exercise with Rhonda, Cheryl mentions this betrayal, andTroy promised Cheryl he will stop the online flirting. I should hope so! These two are very destructive and in many ways, seem to be each other's worst nightmare. Sometimes, however, being married to your worst nightmare can expose your own weaknesses and flaws and lead to great healing. Chery and Troy's goal, set by Rhonda (their main life coach), is 'Mending a War Torn Marriage'.
The previews show that tomorrow's focus will be on Jennifer and Lou, and Jacyln and Michael. It should be interesting...
Monday, September 19, 2005
Season Premiere--Couples!
The new season has begun. All the waiting and wondering about the new season of Starting Over is, well, over, and the wait seems to have been worth it.
The show opens with a flashback of last season's Allison and her struggle with recovering physically, emotionally and spiritually from breast cancer. Allison has decided to have a total hysterectomy and have her right breast removed as a preventative measure because she tested positive for the BRCA1 gene. We see Allison preparing for the long surgery with the support of none other than Bethany from Season two. (It was a peasant surprise to see Bethany again. She was one of my favorite people last season.) The show reminds us that Allison has been asked to return to the SO house after her surgery and recovery, and so we expect to see her after the couples' bootcamp, which is to last three weeks.
And now on to the couples: Cheryl and Troy have been married for 20 years, and from the looks of things most of those years have been rife with conflict/anger from Cheryl and Troy's subsequent emotional detachment. Cheryl belittles Troy in front of the other couples, and I find their interactions to be a bit uncomfortable. Cheryl admits to Rhonda that she feels she isn't good enough for Troy, and that seems to be the underlying reason why she is belittling and 'emasculating' (Iyanla's term), him. Belittling Troy keeps Cheryl in a power position over him, and makes her feel safer in the relationship because it keeps Troy in line. Of course, this behavior is destructive, and Chery's hidden feelings of worthlessness are obviously at the root of many of the couple's problems.
Jennifer and Lou have been married for 10 years and have a 2 year old daughter. Lou appears to be the happy-go-lucky type, while Jennifer is much more controlled and high-strung. Jennifer is overwhelmed with taking care of their daughter, the bills, money problems, and feels that she cannot talk to Lou because he doesn't want to hear it. She also feels unable to trust Lou to take on any of their household and child-rearing responsibilities. Lou says Jennifer will not relinquish control over anything, and so he feels he cannot help raise their daughter or take care of household concerns.
Kacie and Simon are an interesting couple. Simon is from a strict religious family and Kacie feels suffocated with the rules of his religion. They are raising their 4 year old daughter. In the previews for tomorrow's episode, it seems as though Kacie has been hiding a secret transgression from Simon. I fear the worst, and suspect Kacie has had an affair in the past. But we shall see...
Jacyln and Michael are the only unmarried couple in the house. They are both in their twenties, and are a very attractive couple. Unfortunately, Jacyln caught Michael in bed with another woman a year and a half ago, and there are certainly serious trust and communication issues in this relationship. Their goal is to get engaged before leaving the house, but I have my doubts about this relationship. Maybe they will surprise me.
The new house is more sedate and not as grand as the house on the hill of season 2. This house seems more conducive to introspection, and I believe it is a better setting for the emotional/spritual work the people who come through the doors will embark upon.
Dr. Stan does not make an appearance in today's episode, but I'm sure we will be seeing a lot of his calm, common sense approach as the season progresses. The life coaches, Rhonda and Iyanla, seem reenergized and ready for a full season of helping the women (and couples) uncover their true selves. I'm expecting an intense season of growth and development for Starting Over participants and devotees alike. I can't wait for tomorrow!
Welcome
A revolutionary program, "Starting Over" shows the natural drama of women changing their lives for the better. Because its cast stays in the house for weeks or months at a time, "Starting Over" covers issues with a depth that no other program can match. Life coaches Rhonda Britten and Iyanla Vanzant are joined by Psychologist Dr. Stan J. Katz in their efforts to guide and support the cast of women throughout their inspiring journeys of change.
Thousands of women auditioned for the third season of "Starting Over" at casting calls held nationwide and via videotaped submissions. The show's website regularly receives over one million unique visits per month from fans and from women seeking a chance to start their lives over. After numerous auditions, five women (in addition to Allison) were selected as the season three initial cast. Each woman is expected to reside in the "Staring Over" house for between six and twelve weeks, depending on the scope of her "project" and her rate of progress toward her goal.
Since its premiere in September 2003, "Staring Over" has earned rave reviews from fans and critics alike. In May 2005, "Starting Over" won the Daytime Emmy Award for Outstanding Special Class Series. In its second season, "Starting Over" grew an impressive 43% in women 25-54, according to Nielsen Media Research data (9/15/03-3/7/04 vs. 9/20/04-3/6/05). The series also currently has the highest concentration of women 18-49 and women 25-54 of any nationally syndicated program.
"Staring Over" is produced by Bunim-Murray Productions, the creators of the hit series "The Simple Life," "The Real World" and "Road Rules." It is distributed by NBC Universal Domestic Television Distribution. Jonathan Murray and Millee Taggart-Ratcliffe are Executive Producers. "Starting Over" is currently sold in more than 95% of the U.S. for its third season in national syndication.
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