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Sunday, October 30, 2005
Andy Paige Newsletter and Upcoming Show
I received Andy Paige's new Cents of Style newsletter yesterday. If you're not signed up to receive her newsletters, you can go here to read the latest one. In it, she reviews a product I had been wondering about for some time: mineral make-up (foundation), which I've often seen advertised on infomercials over the last year or two. I normally don't buy anything from an informercial, but I admit I was intrigued by 'Bare Minerals'. I thought the make-up might be too good to be true, however (and was too pricey), and she gives it a mixed review, so I think I'll save my money.
Also, I ran across a site that gives summaries of upcoming episodes. Click here to read a summary for this week. I normally don't like to read anything about what is going to happen in advance, but this time I couldn't resist. Tomorrow should be interesting.
Monday, October 31, 2005
Life Coach Rhonda Britten gives the woman a challenging exercise that proves they all have their weaknesses and it leaves them all on edge. TJ loses her cool when Dr. Stan gives her an assignment that pushes her to her limit! Jill takes an important step in her efforts to think before she speaks! Jessica spends an emotional day with a special visitor.
Saturday, October 29, 2005
Iyanla On NPR
National Public Radio (NPR) has a couple of interviews with Iyanla. You will need Real Player or another audio player to listen. The latest one is from September 19, 2005, the day season 3 of Starting Over began. It's a 5 and 1/2 minute interview with Ed Gordon:
The second is an 8 minute interview with Tavis Smiley from June 9, 2004, and is part of a Summer Motivational Series NPR ran last year. In this interview, she talks about the loss of her daughter.
Tavis Smiley talks with best-selling author and spiritual life counselor Iyanla Vanzant.
To listen to the interview, click on the link above, and then click "listen".
Friday, October 28, 2005
Good Article About Starting Over
I came across a very interesting, fairly in-depth article about Starting Over today. It offers insider information about the origin of the show and also gives some of the behind the scenes goings-on. What I found most interesting was that Iyanla almost left the show before the third season began. Although no real details were given as to what the conflict was about, eventually Iyanla and the producers obviously worked things out. Here an excerpt from the article about it:
For this third season, Vanzant nearly left. Murray said, "We went back and forth and had very direct and very honest conversations about what we needed from her and what she needed," he said. "And there were times when she didn't feel she could give that. But ultimately, we were able to work out with her a way for her to be involved, because all of us wanted her there."
I can't imagine Starting Over without Iyanla!! It is also mentioned that Iyanla was the life coach the producers originally wanted (instead of Rana Walker), but she could not do the show during season 1 because she was taking care of her ailing daughter. I like Rana a lot, but as the artice points out, she was much less experienced than Rhonda or Iyanla, and sometimes it showed--like during the Josie fiasco in season 1. I completely empathized with Rana and her tears when Josie decided to leave, but I guess I can see how her reaction might have been viewed as inexperience...
The article also talks about Sommer being asked to leave for interacting with the crew and talking about production, and mentions Andy Paige from season 1 and Kim Bookout from season 2.
As to why Dr. Stan Katz was added in season 2, there was this:
The coaching staff has also suffered upheaval. Taggart-Ratcliffe brought Katz in for Season 2 because before then, if the show confronted "a psychological problem the life coaches were not equipped to handle, or licensed to handle, we had to push it back down," she said. "I thought that was unfair to the women, detrimental to the women."
Dr. Stan has been an invaluable asset for the show. He offers the women incredible perspective into their problems, and he's also a great role model for them. Too many women have never had the benefit of a healthy relationship with their fathers, and Dr. Stan selflessly fulfills the obligation these women's own fathers unfortunately could not (or simply did not) fulfill.
Check out the rest of the article at the Daily Press.
Christina Does The Hustle
Marcus Pierce from 24 Hour Fitness arrives and tells the women to gather at the pool. They all jump in and do an early morning work-out. The women don't seem very happy to be working out so early and with the water being very chilly.
After the work-out, Iyanla and
Marcus and Jill meet. He asks about her family, whether they keep themselves fit, and if any health problems run in her family. Jill says her mom was overweight, and suffered a heart attack last year and also had diabetes. She has lost 80lbs, however, and now her diabetes is gone and her blood pressure is normal. Marcus says that although we have health issues that run in our family, a lot of our health is determined by our behavior.
Iyanla and
Iyanla and the women meet for group, and today's topic is manipulation. She says the basis for all manipulation is fear--fear that we are not going to get what we want or need. She says manipulation is a form of control. She asks Lisa how she manipulates, and Lisa says it is through being accommodating and going along with whatever people want because things are easier that way. Allison says she manipulates by doing things for others so that they will like her. She fears not being loved, and says this fear stems from her father's lack of love/attention. She has a faulty belief that she is not lovable that Iyanla says needs to be healed.
Jill gets a call from her doctor, Dr. Feinberg. She tells her that her lab work came back and that she is anemic. She tells her not to do any exercise, and that she needs to see a specialist to have further testing. Jill is upset about the news.
Iyanla and Allison meet, and Iyanla has brought with her an artist, Brian Fair. Brian is going to do a drawing of Allison that represents the pain underneath Allison's false exterior. Iyanla has put descriptive words on pieces of paper and Allison is to use these words to represent experiences in her past. She chooses the word "unhappy" and tells the story of her dad being so unhappy that he wrote a suicide note. He was polishing his gun and feeling very angry/upset with himself. He was sick at the time with cancer, and had stopped being violent and mean. Allison's brother, however, had become very violent by this point, and Allison says it's like her dad had turned into her brother when he was young (meek and sedate), and her brother had turned into her dad (violent and rage-filled). Allison says that she was the "good girl" throughout all of this, and felt she didn't matter, so she tried to kill herself. She cut her wrist, but realized how wrong it was and got scared. Iyanla says "now what?" She says healing begins when Allison can move beyond the pain and ask herself what she should do now. She tells Allison to journal each bad event in her life, and then write what she can do to move beyond it.
Jill goes to Jenny Craig with her accountability partner, Lisa, for a weigh-in. She is discouraged to find out she has only lost 1lb this week. Lisa feels that as Jill's partner, she should start monitoring what Jill eats.
We go back to Iyanla and Jill and the artist, Brian. He has drawn a portrait of Allison and the feelings she has beneath the surface. The portrait is haunting and shows Allison crying, with anguish on her face and words like "fake", "self-hatred" and "pretending", written around it. Allison is shocked and disturbed by the portrait and says it's beyond sad. Iyanla says "now what?" and she and Allison go through the descriptive words on the pieces of paper and Allison pick out new ones to describe herself and her dad. She chooses "love" and "acceptance" and says she will now accept and love her father and herself. Brian begins a new portrait of the healed Allison as Iyanla and Allison talk.
Back to Allison and Iyanla. The artist how now finished the second portrait of Allison and it is beautiful. She is surrounded by a rainbow in the portrait and looks radiant and at peace. Iyanla says this is a pivotal moment for Allison, but that she still has a lot of things to resolve and it won't always be pretty.
Iyanla and Jill meet. Jill tells Iyanla she's only lost 1lb, and then tells her that she hasn't been eating the Jenny Craig meal for dinner because she felt deprived of being able to cook dinner. Iyanla asks if she really just felt deprived of eating, and Jill admits that is the real truth of the matter. Jill says she is not comfortable in her body like she used to be. Iyanla tells her that from now on, for every pound she loses, she can remove one garment from Jill's mannequin. Jill seems very happy about that.
Thursday, October 27, 2005
Lisa Gets A Job And Jessica Shares Her Grief
Rhonda arrives and the women meet for group. Rhonda talks about action/reaction and asks the ladies how their actions have brought them to this point in their lives.
Rhonda and Lisa meet and Rhonda tells her that Lisa has a job today. She is going to go to work at a restaurant called "The Stand". She gives Lisa a uniform, complete with hairnet.
Rhonda and Jessica meet and Rhonda tells her that she is going to take another step today. She wants Jessica to meet with a grief group. Jessica is very nervous about talking about her mother's death with strangers, but recognizes that she must learn to trust others and ask for help.
Iyanla arrives and meets with
Lisa arrives at work 30-45 minutes late, and the owners of the restaurant, Murray and Tamara are not happy about it. The quickly go over her duties--waiting on tables, keeping the bathroom clean, cleaning tables, etc., and Tamara shows her around the restaurant.
Iyanla and
Lisa is at work. She is already tired and she is just 2 hours into her shift. She is mopping the bathroom floor, etc. She has trouble lifting the heavy things in the kitchen and suggests that a man do it. LOL. Rhonda finally arrives a few hours later and she and Lisa sit down with the owners of the restaurant to discuss Lisa's performance. They say their first impression wasn't good because she arrived late, and that she wasn't physically capable of lifting heavy things.
Jessica arrives at the Gracieta Hotel to meet with a grief group. She is very afraid as she makes her way to the meeting. Once inside, she meets the facilitator, Fredda Wasserman, and two other women, Deborah and Nedda, who have suffered a loss. Deborah tells her story. She was in one of the WTC buildings during the 9/11 attack. She had persistent images in her mind of the nightmare she experienced and so she finally sought help. Nedda lost her mom on 9/11 too. She was on flight 175. Jessica feels more comfortable because she realizes she is with people who truly understand what she has been through.
Lisa and Rhonda are still at the restaurant meeting with the owners. Rhonda asks whether they would hire Lisa after her performance today. They say that in fact they would hire Lisa because she has excellent customer service skills. They were very impressed with the way she interacted with the customers. Lisa is crying and feels humbled by the experience. She says she understands why people feel she has entitlement issues after working so hard today.
At the grief group meeting, Jessica tells the story of how she lost her mom. It is very painful, but the women are supportive and understanding. The facilitator asks what her mom would say to her now, and Jessica says she would tell her it's OK to cry and to need help. Afterwards, Jessica says that her mom would be very proud of her for opening up and happy that she is starting to live again.
Lisa arrives home and is worn out by her job, but Rhonda calls and reminds her that she can't just relax because she has other responsibilities. She tells her she has to clean up after Jill makes dinner, and also she could help Jill make dinner. So Lisa goes into the kitchen and helps out. She seems happy and is dancing around while helping to cook. The women sit down to eat, and Lisa starts talking about how she has no pots/pans in her apartment, etc. The women don't seem to like Lisa's attitude. TJ feels that Lisa just doesn't "get it", and Jill thinks Lisa doesn't understand how hard many people have to work to get the things that were just handed to Lisa.
Preview: Allison reveals dark family secrets. Jill receives scary news (I think it's about her health). Lisa doesn't learn her lesson.
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Allison's Anger and Christina Learns Boundaries
The show starts off with a continuation of yesterday's conflict between Jessica and Allison. Allison feels awful and guilty for saying that they should have a moment of silence for the victims of 9/11 because Jessica is trying to personally grieve her mother's death in the tragedy. Dr. Stan arrives and meets with Jessica. Jessica talks goes over what happened. She feels like Allison drew her back into the collective grief she has over 9/11, when she is trying so hard to escape it. Dr. Stan says she has no responsibility to be a 9/11 healer and doesn't have to worry about how others perceive the event. He says that if someone finds out how her mom died, and all they want to talk about is 9/11, she should tell them that she really just wants to talk about her mom.
Rhonda arrives and looks all over the house for Lisa, but Lisa is gone. Rhonda waits outside for her. Eventually Lisa and Jill drive up. Rhonda wonders whether Lisa is truly ready to take responsibility for her life.
Stan meets with
Rhonda and Lisa meet to talk about Lisa's dependencies on her parents. Rhonda says Lisa is dependent on her parents for all aspects of living. Lisa says she feels pathetic. Rhonda gives her an assignment: Gather things that represent her dependency and tonight they will bury them. She is also to write a eulogy, and invite Jill, her accountability partner, for the 'ceremony'.
Back to Stan and
Back at the house, Dr. Stan and the ladies meet for group. He wants to discuss self-esteem issues and the need for attention. Stan asks Allison what getting attention does for her. She says it brings her validation, but when Stan asks if she ever really gets validated by it, she admits she doesn't. When he asks why that is, she says it's because she doesn't believe the attention she is getting is genuine. Stan says if she believed the attention they give her at the SO house was valid, she would no longer have to keep seeking it out. Allison says she feels humiliated because she has created her cycle of needing attention and never being satisfied when she gets it. Stan asks what would happen if she broke the cycle, and Allison says she would disappear. Stan asks the group if Allison would disappear if she stopped her attention-seeking, and they all say no. Stan says life is about finding meaning, and the more meaning we have in our lives, the less attention we need. Group is adjourned.
Iyanla and Allison meet. Iyanla says it's time to focus on Allison's anger. She gets Allison to close her eyes and say what she is most angry about. Allison says she's angry about getting cancer, about not being able to have children, and about growing up in an alcoholic family. Iyanla leads Allison over to a group of punching bags she has set up and labeled in the back yard. One is labeled 'cancer', and she gives Allison a bat to take out her anger about having cancer on the punching bag. Allison gives it some hard whacks, and releases some of her pent-up anger. Next she hits the bag labeled 'alcoholism'. She is crying and really letting go. Iyanla coaches her and helps her to express all of her suppressed anger.
Lisa, Jill and Rhonda go outside for the dependency burial. Lisa reads her eulogy about how she chooses full responsibility now and about how she is sick and tired of only surviving.
Dr. Stan and
Lisa is still at the dependency burial. She cuts up her dad's credit card and buries it. She also buries symbols of her other dependencies--her car because her father pays the insurance, her condo, which her parents bought for her, etc. When she's finished, Rhonda says there's another step: Lisa has to call her parents and invite them to the SO house to tell them she no longer wants to be dependent on them.
TJ and
Iyanla next leads Allison (who has her eyes closed) to the guest room, where she has put flower petals all over the bed. She tells her to open her eyes, and Allison sees the bed, and comments on how beautiful it is. Iyanla says the bed represents love--it represents surrendering herself to love and choosing love and life over anger. Allison lies down in the bed and Iyanla puts the covers over her to symbolize Allison's choice of love over anger.
Lisa calls her mom (Valorie), and asks her to come to the house. Her mom says yes, and also says that she's been talking with Lisa's father. Lisa's father realizes that he has been doing the wrong thing for Lisa. Lisa tells her that she has to stand on her own two feet now.
Now the women are all eating, but
Preview: Jessica tries to overcome her greatest fear.
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
Jessica's Journey, Jill's Authentic Self
The show begins where it left off yesterday. Rhonda says the whole house is on probation and that the women should take it personally and seriously. She says that they should treat each other as equals and have full participation in each other's journeys. Iyanla asks who each woman has the hardest time getting along with: Jill says Lisa is the most difficult person for her to relate to, TJ says Allison, Allison says TJ and Lisa says Jill...Then Iyanla and Rhonda assign accountability partners. Each partners keeps the other one honest and fights for each other. the partners are TJ and Allison, Jill and Lisa, and
The women are upset by the BoR, and Lisa wonders why everyone seems to have such a negative view of her Jill tells her it's because they see the outside--that she is shallow and a party girl. Jill says that maybe they don't see that Lisa's pain is very deep and hidden.
The next morning, Jill goes to a doctor's appointment to get the all clear on starting a new exercise program.
Rhonda arrives and meets with Jessica to start on her second step--moving beyond 9/11. They go outside and there is a pile of rocks and rubble. The rocks symbolize the people who died on 9/11, and the pebbles represent the families of those victims. Jessica says she is uncomfortable and is crying over the many people affected by the tragedy.
We go back to Jill, who is at the doctor getting an EKG. The doctor says her heart is normal, and then tells her she should stop smoking--she tells her that it is a disease-promoting activity and quitting is the healthiest thing she can do for herself.
Now back to Jessica and Rhonda. Rhonda tells Jessica to choose a rock to represent her mom, and a pebble to represent herself. She does so, and says she is still feeling very uncomfortable. Rhonda says she's ben avoiding this for a long time and she must face it to overcome it. Jessica talks about the victims' families, and how she saw the plane hit the tower. She feels all of their grief. Rhonda takes a lot of rocks and pebbles and piles them on Jessica's lap--Jessica cries. Rhonda tells her she can't sacrifice herself or carry their grief anymore. They sit on the ground, and Rhonda gives Jessica a small chest. She tells Jessica to put the rock representing her mom and the pebble representing herself inside the box. She tells her this is her private space to mourn her mother. Rhonda tells her to decorate the box and show it to her housemates that evening.
Jessica goes to
Iyanla arrives and meets with Jill. Iyanla says Jill is going to step into the magnificence of her personality and discover her authentic self. She asks Jill to close her eyes and describe 'newborn Jill', the authentic Jill underneath the baggage. Jill says 'newborn Jill' is beautiful and a gift. Iyanla brings out a mannequin and says the mannequin represents slim, authentic Jill. She tells Jill to write on the mannequin all the attributes of her authentic self, and leaves her to her task.
Rhonda arrives and the ladies have group. Today's topic is anger. The talk about how they perceive anger. Allison says it is terrifying and turns it on herself when she gets mad. Lisa says she stuffs it. Rhonda says anger is neither good nor bad. It is all in how you express it. Rhonda asks if anyone has anything they're angry about, and
Jessica and TJ talk about Jessica's exercise. Jessica says it is really difficult, but she would like to say goodbye to the pile of rubble. She cuts a rose and puts it and a candle on top of the rubble to signify her decision to let it go. TJ is very supportive of her. TJ feels that she and Jessica are forming a bond.
Iyanla and Jill meet. Iyanla gets Jill's bags out and tells Jill to dress the mannequin with the clothes inside Jill's bags. She wants Jill to see that the baggage doesn't change who Jill really is underneath, it just covers it up. Iyanla leaves and Jill dresses the mannequin. She realizes that her baggage has covered up her good characteristics and that it's up to her to bring those good qualities back to the surface. Iyanla returns and Jill is crying. She tells Iyanla about her realization. Iyanla says they have to carry away those issues to the Jill's authentic self. Iyanla takes Jill's baggage away--she no longer has to carry it. Jill is overjoyed! She tells her housemates and they all celebrate with her.
The women are in the kitchen and Jessica is talking about her exercise. Allison says maybe they should do a moment of silence for the victims of 9/11. Jessica's mood shifts and she suddenly feels uncomfortable. She walks out of the kitchen. She feels that the exercise is about herself, not about how others feel about 9/11. Allison has inadvertently made it about other's feelings of the tragedy again. Allison realizes what she has done and feels awful. She immediately starts blaming herself and says she has done the wrong thing. Jessica and TJ sit together, and Jessica says she no longer wants to share the chest she painted with the other housemates. She decides to call Rhonda and tells Rhonda about what Allison said and how she feels about it. Rhonda says that Allison didn't know, and that these exercises are an ongoing process--one stumble doesn't mean anything.
Jessica and Allison talk for a second outside. Jessica tells Allison she is not uncomfortable around her, and Allison says she doesn't believe her. Allison tells her she messed up, and feels responsible. She doesn't want to talk about it that evening. Jessica tells her she didn't mess up. After they talk, Allison says she was just trying to be honest, and now she feels like the bad guy (?). She says she is trying to do the right thing, and it's not working.
Preview: TJ and
Monday, October 24, 2005
A House Divided
The episode begins with Rhonda arriving and gathering the ladies outside. She gives them an exercise: They are given tools and instructions and must work together to construct a volleyball net. Rhonda says the project is a metaphor for communication, cooperation and teamwork. Before she leaves the women to their task, she tells them they are having their first Board of Review that evening. The women are anxious about the BoR, especially Lisa.
Rhonda returns to the ladies a little while later as they are working out how to build the net, and gets Lisa for a meeting. Lisa and Rhonda meet and talk about Lisa’s dependency on her parents for financial support. Rhonda asks Lisa what would happen to her if her parents were gone—how would she survive? Would she be homeless? Lisa says she would have to stand on her own two feet. Rhonda believes that Lisa doesn’t realize how much the dependency on her parents is stifling her growth. Rhonda tells her they are going on a road trip…
Iyanla arrives and meets with Jill. Iyanla gets Jill’s bag, labeled ‘unworthy’, and they talk about the contents. Inside the bag is ‘judgmental’ and ‘disrespect’ (the things that Jill does which make her feel unworthy). Iyanla asks Jill to finish the following sentence: “I believe I’ve been unworthy because…” Jill finishes the sentence with “because my father didn’t want me.” She tells a story about how she tried to contact her dad because she wanted him to save her from her ‘Cinderella existence when she was in the 6th grade, living with her mom. She never could get in touch with him, and after that she gave up ever trying to contact him again. She says that’s when she shut off the idea that anyone would ever be there for her.
Rhonda and Lisa’s road trip is to the Union Rescue Mission, a place that helps homeless people. The directors of the mission give Lisa and Rhonda a tour of the facility. As Lisa walks through, she starts realizing that her life is not much different than a homeless person—she just has her parents to help her instead of a rescue mission, but overall it’s the same life with just a ‘pretty window dressing’.
Iyanla and Jill continue to talk about Jill’s absent father. Jill says she doesn’t have any example of unconditional love from a man because she never had it from her father. Iyanla has an exercise for her: She gives her sock puppets (one is ‘Little Jill’ and the other is Jill’s father), and Jill is to create a puppet show in which she has a conversation with her father about all the things she has always wanted to say to him, and also how she imagines he would respond. As Jill works on the puppet show, she has a moment of clarity and realizes how angry she has been for so long.
The other women continue to work on the volleyball net, and things are not going too well. TJ and
Iyanla and Jill start the puppet show. Iyanla plays Jill’s dad and Jill plays herself as a child. They run through the things Jill wanted to tell her dad—about him never being there for her, etc. Iyanla (as Jill’s father) asks Jill to forgive her, but Jill doesn’t respond. They end the play, and Iyanla tells Jill that when she forgives herself, it will be easier to forgive her dad.
Allison,
Iyanla and Rhonda arrive for the BoR. Rhonda says they have a unique situation and that the house itself is up for BoR. She says they have never seen a group like this one—there is no warmth, no connection among the women. They ask the ladies if there are things that they want to tell each other, but haven’t.
Rhonda then announces that she and Iyanla have decided to give the whole house a ‘C’, and therefore the whole house is on probation. She says it’s the first time this has ever happened, and that all of the women could be asked to leave if they can’t cooperate with each other.
Preview: The women learn their fate at the BoR. Jessica is forced to face a difficult reality. Allison goes on the defensive.
Friday, October 21, 2005
Communication--Friday
The show opens with Iyanla arriving and they all meet for group. Iyanla talks about the power of words and says that we all carry around hurtful words that were said to us as children. She goes around the room and asks the ladies what one word was said to them as a child that hurt them the most. Jill says it's the word 'fat'. Lisa says it is 'lazy'. TJ's word is 'inappropriate', and Allison's is 'fake'. They don't get to
Dr. Stan arrives and meets with Allison. They talk about Allison's poor body-image. Allison says she sees herself as a 'fat blob'. Stan says that negative self-talk can actually change a person's brain chemistry over time. Allison says she feels ashamed and Stan asks her what she is ashamed of--she says she's ashamed of getting cancer and how it changed her body. Stan says that Allison's shame is irrational and is a critical element to overcome if she is to be emotionally healthy. He says when her words about herself change, her feelings will change.
Rhonda and TJ meet. TJ gets back in her box of loneliness along with Rhonda. They talk about integrity and TJ says that although integrity is something she deeply values, she doesn't always live it. She says it's a knife in her stomach to think that she doesn't have integrity. Rhonda leaves TJ in the box to write on the walls her feelings about integrity. She comes back a little while later and gets back in the box with TJ. She gives her a new exercise to learn to communicate. She is giving four cards, each with a question. She is to ask herself each of the four questions before she speaks to someone. The questions are: 1. Is what I'm going to say necessary? 2. Is what I'm going to say true? 3. Is what I'm going to say helpful? 4. Is what I'm going to say kind? If the answers are all 'yes', then she can say it, but if there's a 'no' to any of the questions, she should not say it, but instead write down her feelings about what she was thinking of saying.
Rhonda notices that Jill is not really carrying her bags all the time. Jill says she feels like she is being punished and doesn't want to carry those bags--she doesn't feel like doing anything when she's carrying them. Rhonda tells her to call Iyanla and tell her that she is not fully doing her assignment.
Allison arrives at Elizabeth House, which is a house for women in crisis. She meets with director Terry Bright and then a young mother brings out her beautiful baby, Riley for Allison to meet.
The rest of the women go to a restaurant for lunch. As they are eating, a strange man comes up to the table and asks
Allison is still at Elizabeth House visiting with Riley. She tells her that her mom will always love her and to always be herself. Did I mention how beautiful Riley is?
Back at the house, Jill calls Iyanla. Jill is upset and tells her she has not been doing her assignment fully--carrying the bags everywhere. Iyanla tells her she must see what the bags represent, nd that she is not being punished, but is making a victim out of herself.
Iyanla and Allison meet and they discuss the visit she had with Riley. Allison talks about how freely babies give and receive love, and realizes she doesn't have to be a biological mom to give/receive love from a child. She also say she realizes her mom loves her and her dad (who is now deceased), loved her too. Iyanla asks if she misses her dad, and Allison says that she does sometimes. When he wasn't raging, he was funny and gentle. Iyanla asks Allison how she rages, and she says by getting cancer. Iyanla does not want Allison to blame herself for the cancer and says she must free herself of this belief. Allison says she doesn't know how, and Iyanla says she doesn't either, but all they have to do is set the intention.
Dr. Stan and TJ meet. They start to talk and TJ is looking off in another direction. Stan tells her to maintain eye contact with him, otherwise she will get distracted. TJ does a good job of maintaining the eye contact with him after that. They talk about her day, and her communication skills.
Iyanla and
Rhonda and all the women meet outside to discuss TJ's new communication skills. All the women say they feel much more comfortable with TJ, and that they've actually gotten some wisdom from her in the last few days. They all cheer for her and give her a lot of positive feedback. Then Rhonda and the women go over to TJ's box of loneliness to tear it down. TJ tears the box down while the women all encourage and support her. Rhonda says that tearing it down is admitting that TJ has connection to others and no longer has to feel lonely and isolated.
Preview for next week: The house falls apart. Rhonda gives the women an assignment that will either unite them or tear them apart. Jessica suffers a huge emotional blow. Lisa faces her biggest fear. And something no one expects happens at the first board of review.
Thursday, October 20, 2005
Lisa Gets Real and Jessica's Anger Unleashed
The episode begins with the ladies being given an exercise: They are to take two photos of each other each--one sitting and one standing. They do so, and then Rhonda arrives for group.
Rhonda brings with her an expert in body language, therapist and author, Catherine Cardinal. Each of the ladies stands up one by one and Catherine analyzes her posture and the two photos. Her insights are incredible! First up is Lisa. Catherine says Lisa fluctuates between feeling very pretty and feeling ugly. She says there is something inside Lisa that makes her unable to fully claim herself. She says Lisa uses distraction/diversion so she doesn't have to deal with what's going on inside. Lisa is shocked and agrees that Catherine is right. Lisa seems more 'real' today, and is much more open. Rhonda comments that it's the first time she's ever seen Lisa be herself. The other women agree. Allison is next to be analyzed. Catherine says Allison has the 'isn't it nice?' syndrome, and that she has unexpressed fear behind her eyes. She says that Allison must have experienced a trauma of some sort, and that the emotions associated with it need to be expressed. Allison is very fidgety with her hands, and Catherine says this is from a deep need to express fear. Allison thinks Catherine's assessment is sad, but true. Jill is next. Catherine says Jill makes decisions that will hurt her least. She says Jill needs to 'get a backbone.' Jill agrees. Next is
Rhonda and Jessica meet out by the pool. There are bricks laid out beside the pool, and Rhonda tells Jessica to write something she is angry about on each brick and throw it into the pool. She throws each one in... Then Rhonda tells her she will have to go and get each brick--they are submerged just like Jessica's anger is submerged. Jessica dives in and retrieves the bricks.
Rhonda and Lisa meet outside. There is a large blank canvas set up with 'My Life' written in the center. Lisa is to write about regrets she has had in her life. She normally denies that she has regrets, and Rhonda feels Lisa has brainwashed herself into forgetting regretful decisions, etc., she has made. Lisa says she regrets marrying a man she only knew for three weeks. She comes up with a few more regrets from her childhood--being the lookout when some of her friends stole things, etc., but then she comes to the major regret of her life. When she was 11 years old, she 'let' her friend's brother molest her. He said if she told, he would kill her parents. She is devastated by it and feels that in some way she 'deserved' it. She felt that she couldn't tell and that keeping the secret kept her parents alive. The molestation went on for a year. She says she cannot enjoy sex and has never enjoyed it because of the sexual abuse. It's also why she married a man she didn't even like. She realizes that this event has been running her life. Rhonda leaves to let Lisa finish writing her regrets on the canvas.
Rhonda and TJ meet and they both get inside the cardboard box from yesterday. Rhonda gives her another communication assignment: TJ has to wear a necklace with various phrases (yes, no, tell me more, etc) written on pieced of paper. She cannot talk today, but can only communicate with the things written on the slips of paper. They both exit the box, and TJ goes off to communicate with her housemates. She seems more connected to them throughout this exercise.
Rhonda goes back to Lisa, who has finished her canvas of regrets. Lisa talks about how she has let men humiliate her over and over again throughout her life because she felt she deserved to be humiliated (because of the molestation). Rhonda says Lisa has been wronged, but she is the one who has to fix it now and make it right. Rhonda tells Lisa she must say 'no' when before she always said, 'yes'. Lisa shouts 'no' a few times and then writes 'NO' in big letters all over her canvas of regrets. The exercise seems very cathartic for her. She feels exhausted and doesn't know what she's going to do with all the things she has uncovered.
Rhonda and TJ meet at the end of the day, and TJ says her exercise of not speaking and listening has been very successful. Rhonda says TJ is more focused and calmer. TJ feels she has accomplished something and that it was a very rewarding exercise.
Rhonda meets with Jessica. The bricks symbolizing her anger are laid out, and Jessica has a sledgehammer. She smashes each brick and pours all of her anger into it. It's a very powerful exercise. Afterwards, she tells Rhonda she feels better, and that holding all that anger in made her feel numb and disconnected.
Allison has been depressed all day since the body language expert meeting that morning. She feels that she looks 'horrific' in people's eyes. She is very low today, but her feelings are not resolved in this episode.
Preview: Tension in the house builds (isn't it always?). Jill has a breakdown over carrying her baggage.
Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Life Raft and Jessica's Play
The episode opens with
A handsome man in a sailor outfit comes to the door and tells the ladies that Iyanla sent him and they are to meet him out by the pool. When they get to the pool, they see a life raft in it. The sailor reads a note from Iyanla. It says that this is the ship of life and the ladies should each argue their case for why they should get a seat on the raft. They all make their case and then Iyanla arrives. She says she is there to see
The women and Iyanla meet for group. Iyanla talks about the difference between survival and living. She said survival is about the past, what we had to do to get through it, and living is about using our fear to grow our courage. To get out of survival mode and into living, we have to forgive the past. Group is adjourned.
The women go back to the pool and the sailor hands out survival gear to the ladies. Jill predictably gets yet another bag to carry, and is upset about it. Then Iyanla tells them that there is a problem and only five people can fit on the raft, and she and the sailor leave. The women try to decide who doesn't get to go on the raft, and they finally decide it should be Lisa, since she was given a life vest when the sailor handed out survival gear.
Rhonda arrives and she and Jessica meet. Rhonda talks about a recurring dream Jessica is having about arguing with her mom. They talk about the pattern Jessica had with her mom--first they would argue, then Jessica would isolate herself, and then her mom would come and find her and they would make up. Rhonda feels that Jessica is 'waiting' for her mom to come and make things better. She gives Jessica an assignment: Write a play about the last conversation she and her mom had, and what she would want her mom to say to her now. She will present it at a small theater for her housemates that evening.
Rhonda and TJ meet and Rhonda wants TJ to experience the loneliness she had as a child, so she gives her an exercise. There i a large cardboard box painted black on the outside (with the top cut off), and TJ has to get in the box, and write inside it all of her feelings. TJ gets in and gets to work...
A couple of hours later, Rhonda returns to TJ and gets in the box with her. TJ has written things all over the walls of the box--how she feels scared, lonely, guilty that her dad worked all the time (because she thinks he did it to get away from her), etc. Rhonda says to get out of the box she has to learn her first communication skill--Other centered communication 50/50. Rhonda explains that this means she has to reference the person talking to her and not always reference herself during a conversation. They both exit the box.
Iyanla calls and tells Jessica to tell all the women that there's going to be bad weather and only three people can fit in the raft. At first the passenger list has Lisa,
Iyanla arrives to see Allison in the raft, and
Jessica has finished her play and the women meet at the theater. Allison is to play Jessica's mom. the first part of the play is about an argument Jessica had with her mom days before she died. It's an argument about money--her mom wanted to give her money when she moved into her own apartment, and Jessica didn’t' want it because she wanted to be an adult and take care of herself. The second part of the play is very touching and is about what Jessica wants her mom to say to her now. Allison is an incredibly good actor playing the role of Jessica's mom. She tells Jessica how much she loves her and how she will always love her no matter what. The housemates in the audience are crying, and Jessica is experiencing all of her emotions as she acts out the scene with Allison. At the end of the play, they all hug. Allison says she felt that Jessica's mom was speaking through her to Jessica.
Preview: Lisa reveals an unbelievable trauma. Allison’s self-esteem plummets. Jessica prepares to unleash her fury.
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
Christina Meets A Role Model, Jill's Baggage, Lisa's Dinner Party
The show starts with the women getting an assignment from Stan. Stan has sent over herbs for the women to create an herb garden outside. Jill is still carrying her baggage, and is getting more and more frustrated with it. TJ is still wearing her very dark sunglasses and earplugs from Rhonda's assignment yesterday.
Back at the SO house, Jill has decided not to carry her baggage anymore. She leaves all the luggage outside in various places. TJ is worried that Jill will get in trouble for it, but Jill doesn't seem to care.
Iyanla arrives and talks to
Iyanla finds Jill's baggage outside and goes to look for Jill. Jill tells Iyanla that it was just time to let that baggage go, but Iyanla isn't buying it. She asks Jill why she just left it all out in the driveway for other people to step over--Jill doesn't really have an answer. Jill says she is lost and doesn't know what she is supposed to be doing. Iyanla tells her she is supposed to be carrying the baggage around until she is no longer resistant. So Jill has to go get her baggage.
Dr. Stan meets with Lisa and they talk about what it is to be an adult. Lisa says an adult takes responsibility for herself. Stan says that when Lisa's parents bought her a place to live, etc., they took away Lisa's incentive to do things on her own. He also says that her parents don't trust her because she hasn't given them a reason to do so. Lisa talks about how she never completes anything, and Stan tells her that success is in making the attempt, not in the outcome. He gives Lisa an assignment: She is to cook dinner for the housemates and him that evening, and is to do all the shopping, cooking, etc., by herself.
Iyanla and Jill meet at an obstacle course that has been set out in the tennis court. Jill has to take her baggage with her as she makes her way through it. Iyanla encourages her as she makes her way through each obstacle, and she completes it. Iyanla says this is a big accomplishment for Jill. Later in the living room with the other women present, Iyanla announces Jill's accomplishment and tells her she can put down one of the bags she's carrying--the self-sabotage bag. But Iyanla then gives her another bag--one that is labeled 'overwhelmed, disobedient, and confused’. Jill is very upset that she has to carry this bag around too.
Dr. Stan arrives for Lisa's dinner party. Lisa has done almost all of the work, but did get Allison to set the table before Stan arrived. Stan, however, does not know this, and praises all of Lisa's hard work.
After dinner,
After Stan leaves,
Preview:
Monday, October 17, 2005
Jill's Baggage, TJ's Pain
The show starts with Iyanla arriving and the ladies having group. TJ says she feels a lot of anxiety, fear and frustration. She says she feels like a hamster on a wheel. Iyanla says today's group is about self-worth. She says that few people understand what real worth is--she says it is not something that can be increased or diminished. It is something that we have by the simple fact that we are here on the earth--that we are breathing. She says that people often use money as a symbol of worth, and she passes out a stack of money to each woman. Throughout the day, whenever the women have a negative thought about themselves or others, they are to give some of the money to another housemate. When they have a positive thought about themselves or others, they are to ask for money from a housemate. Group is adjourned.
Rhonda meets with TJ and they discuss her experience as a child with having ADHD, dyslexia, being left-handed, and having serious problems with her eyesight and hearing. Rhonda wants to recreate TJ's childhood experience, so she has her put in earplugs and wear very dark glasses to simulate how she lived/coped as a child.
Iyanla meets with Jill, and they talk about what she 'has been' in the past, and what she 'is' now. Iyanla says that there's a part of us that want to live the truth of who we really are, but there is another part that is terrified and feels unworthy to live our truth. She sets Jill to work defining who she has been in the past. Jill is to write down how she has behaved in the past on pieces of paper, and place each piece of paper on a board--she writes that she has been selfish, judgmental, sad, disrespectful, etc. Iyanla then meets with Allison, and gives her a weekly planner board that is labeled with days of the week. She tells Allison to plan out each day and place each activity on the board.
Rhonda and TJ go to an Italian restaurant/deli called Domingo's. TJ is wearing her earplugs/sunglasses. Rhonda tells her to go get the menus, and TJ is upset, wanders around restaurant. Rhonda finally helps her, and they sit back down. TJ says she feels she was placed on the wrong planet. She feels inadequate, and knows that these feelings are running her life. She talks about her parents. Her mom is 'passive', and her dad is expects perfection. In order to get attention from her mom, she had to scream, but she also had to act 'perfect' in order to get approval of her dad. She says she can't blame her parents because she can see that they couldn't give to her (safety, love, etc.) things that they never got themselves. She says she got angry with them before, but it didn't help/didn't make her feel better.
Iyanla arrives at the house with a bunch of baggage--suitcases and garbage bags full of clothes. She gives them to Jill, and tells Jill that today she is going to go through the 'baggage' she's been carrying around and examine it all. She tells her to label each bag with one of her behaviors of the past (like lying), and then pack the back with clothes that she labels with incidents of that behavior (like when she lies and says she OK when she isn't).
Back to TJ and Rhonda at the restaurant. TJ is crying and trying to express herself and her feelings about her childhood. She tells Rhonda that she was molested at the age of 5 or 6. She told her parents, and they talked to the boy's parents, but didn't do anything about the molestation. TJ blocked out the memory until she was much older. One day she confronted her parents about it and asked them why they didn't do anything about her being molested. They told her they weren't sure anything really happened. TJ is very upset by it, and says she wanted someone to 'fight for her', to make her feel safe, but at the same time she feels guilty for asking that much. TJ also tells Rhonda that she was date-raped at 18-19 years old. She didn't tell anyone, and told the guy it was OK, so that he would leave. She never saw him again. Rhonda says she is sorry for what TJ went through. She tells TJ that she has put up with a lot and always just adapted to everything that happened to her.
Back at the house, Allison, who has meticulously completed her weekly planner, walks in the room to find that it has been destroyed and is laying on the floor. Iyanla says she did it to try to get a rise out of Allison (who Iyanla calls a 'Steel Magnolia'), but Allison just sort of laughs instead of letting out her anger. Iyanla asks her why she even did the assignment, and Allison admits that it was only to get a good grade and to please Iyanla. Iyanla tells her that she must commit to herself and her life, not to just completing another assignment. Allison realizes that it's ridiculous to say that she will do a certain thing every single day at 7:30AM. Iyanla tells her that what should matter is herself, and to committing herself to making time/space for her own needs.
Iyanla finds Jill and sees that she hasn't done much packing of her baggage. Iyanla seems frustrated with her, and tells her that she will have to carry around that baggage all day, wherever she goes--since she likes to 'play in her trash', she can carry it around with her.
Iyanla meets the ladies by the pool, and they discuss the money exercise and valuing themselves. Jill is struggling with carrying around her baggage, but Iyanla tells the ladies not to carry her baggage for her. Jill is becoming increasingly agitated over having to lug around the baggage everywhere, and says she hopes she gets the lesson soon because she can't take it very much longer.
Preview: Jill's frustration over the baggage boils over.
Friday, October 14, 2005
Dreams
The show opens with the women talking about Jill's snoring and
Two men arrive with a box and a bundle of envelopes/blank paper. They instruct the women to write down their two biggest dreams and put them in the envelopes, but to not put their names on them, and to place the envelopes in the box.
Rhonda arrives and they have group. Rhonda passes the box around and each woman takes an envelope out and reads a dream, then guesses whose dream it is. They read through a few of the dreams, and it's very easy to guess whose it is. Lisa dreams of living a billionaire's life, Jill dreams of being size 14-16,
Iyanla and Allison meet and discuss Allison's imbalance. Iyanla has an exercise for her: There are three buckets, one labeled 'self', one labeled 'others' and one labeled 'world'. Allison writes down the things she focuses on throughout the day and they place a weight on each piece of paper and put it in one of the buckets. When she's finished, the 'world' and 'others' buckets are much more heavily weighted. In other words, Allison focuses too much on those things, and not enough on herself. Iyanla then gives Allison three baskets which are also labeled self, world, others, and Allison is to hold the 'world' basket in one hand, the 'others' basket in the other hand, and the 'self' basket she has to balance on her head! Iyanla tells her she has to practice holding these baskets for the rest of the day, but the only one she has to make sure she holds onto is the 'self' basket because without 'self' she doesn't have life. (Sorry if I didn't explain this very well.) So Allison slowly walks away balancing all three baskets.
Rhonda and the dream expert, Michael Lennox, arrive to meet with Jessica. The dream expert explains to Jessica that the people in our dreams are really representations of ourselves and our perceptions of those people. Jessica talks about dreams she's had about her mom, and is relieved that these dreams do not mean her mom is disappointed in her--she has dreams about her mom justifying her brother's bad behavior and having to tell her mom she no longer belongs 'here'.
Allison is still balancing all three baskets and doesn't ask for help, nor does she put any of the baskets down. Iyanla meets with her and tells her she could have put the 'other' or 'world' basket down at any time, but didn't. Iyanla keeps trying to impress upon Allison that she is devoting too much time to these other concerns, and not enough to herself. Allison gets upset and asks Iyanla if she believes she 'chose' cancer. Iyanla says this is another way for Allison to blame herself, and tells her she did not choose cancer, but did choose to say no to loving herself. Iyanla tells her she has to give up these other concerns (the world and serving others) sometimes to take care of her basic needs for herself.
Iyanla and
The dream expert comes back and meets with all the women. They talk a little about their dreams, and he gives one interpretation of a standard dream a lot of people have--about their teeth. He says teeth dreams are about insecurity. Your teeth represent protection and also the ability to find love, and so when you dream of your teeth falling out, etc., it means your are feeling insecure in one of those areas. Fascinating! He gives each woman a dream log, and tells them to write down their dreams because they are important insight into themselves.
Later
Preview for next week: Lisa reveals a big secret.
Thursday, October 13, 2005
Christina's Story
The episode opens with a continuation of yesterday. Jessica is upset over TJ's insensitive comments. She calls Rhonda and Rhonda tells her that if she feels the anger, it will heal her. Jill talks to TJ about her insensitivity, and about how badly she hurt Jessica with her comment. TJ says that her pain is as bad as Jessica's, but that nobody understands that...
Iyanla and Rhonda arrive the next morning for group.
Rhonda and Jessica meet and talk about TJ. Rhonda tells Jessica that TJ is a huge opportunity for her because TJ pushes all her buttons and brings feelings she would rather deny to the surface. Then Rhonda shows a video of Jessica's mom. Jessica hasn't heard her mom's voice for 4 years and is overwhelmed with sadness. Rhonda gives Jessica an assignment: Have a conversation with her mom.
Iyanla and
So
Lisa and TJ talk. Lisa says TJ can be very draining. TJ tells Lisa that she sabotages herself in the house so that she can distance herself from them before they reject her.
TJ meets with Stan for the first time. Stan asks TJ why she is there. She tells him she doesn't know how to communicate with people and wants to change her toxic behavior. Stan says she just has to be herself, or she can't interact with anyone on a genuine level. He says when you're not being yourself, you always lose. Stan feels that TJ is being very open and honest with him, and says she truly wants to change and learn how to connect with other people.
Iyanla and
Rhonda and Jessica meet. Rhonda holds a photo of Jessica's mom and has Jessica read the letter to the picture of her mom. In the letter, she talks about how jealous and angry she is towards other people who still have their mom in their lives. She also says that she is angry that people call her mom a hero for how she died, not how she lived. Jessica hopes this won't be the last conversation she has with her mom.
Lisa and Jill look up the word 'prostitution' on the internet, and are reading the definition and laughing while
Rhonda arrives and the women gather in the living room to discuss with TJ any problems they have with her. Allison says TJ asked her if she was a burden, and Allison said she told her she was. She stays away from her because she does not want to have conflict. She says it is not easy to be around her. TJ says she feels inadequate to hear that. Lisa says she cuts off TJ when she start going on and on.
Jessica and
Preview: Jessica fears she may never move forward.
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
TJ's Story, Lisa No Longer A Baby
The show starts off with Allison's visit to the doctor. He tells her that the infection she has is not uncommon, and everything seems OK with her check-up. TJ drives her home and on the way makes inappropriate comments to Allison about how TJ doesn't feel feminine because she has small breasts. Allison believes TJ is not being insensitive on purpose, but it's still hard to be around her.
After they get back to the house, the doorbell rings and TJ answers. There is a bag on the doorstep. The women gather in the living room, and see that the bag contains cards with the word 'uncomfortable' written on each one. Each woman is supposed to give a card to the person she feels the most uncomfortable with--all the women give their card to TJ. They discuss why they feel that way, and it's obvious TJ is very hurt and doesn't really understand what she is doing to make everybody uncomfortable.
Iyanla and Rhonda arrive the next morning for group. Lisa isn't dressed in her baby outfit and Rhonda calls her out for it. Lisa goes and puts on the outfit again. Rhonda asks TJ what's wrong (she looks very sad), and she begins crying. She says she is not surprised that the women are uncomfortable around her, but she doesn't know what she is doing to cause it. She says she feels abandoned and helpless and starts hyperventilating. Then in an instant, she turns off the tears and starts talking normally. Rhonda is concerned that she could stop crying so suddenly, and feels TJ's tears may not be genuine. They move on to TJ's story.
TJ always felt like an ugly duckling growing up. They show a photo of her when she was young and awkward looking. She didn't graduate from high school--she dropped out in her senior year because she felt stupid. They show a photo of her wedding day, and she looks very pretty, but is holding a checkbook while standing there in her wedding gown to show that she had to pay for her own wedding. Rhonda says that was a way to shame her parents and is evidence of TJ's controlling nature. Rhonda then asks her how she felt about getting married. TJ says she was terrified, and they waited 10 years before they did it. She says her husband is the only safe place she has in the world, but the more he loves her, the more terrified she becomes. Even thoughTJ has a successful business, owns two homes, and is happily married, she feels lonely and disconnected. Lisa says she thought that if she had those things, she would be happy, but now realizes that houses, a husband, etc., are not what makes a person happy. Rhonda reveals TJ's goal: Learn to connect. Group is adjourned.
Rhonda meets with Lisa and gives her assignment. She is to go interview men in her baby dress and ask them if they want to be with a woman who is dependent, who can't hold a job, and who lives off her parents.
Rhonda and TJ meet alone and go over her steps. TJ can't spell very well because she has dyslexia and ADHD, so Rhonda has to help her as she writes down her steps. She says that her learning disability and her ADHD have made her feel horrible and isolated throughout her life. Step 1 is give up control. Step 2-the do's and dont's of communication. Step 3-Face loneliness. Step 4-embrace intimacy. Rhonda gives her a belt she must wear with plugs on it. Each of her housemates are also to wear a plug. TJ is to be 'plugged into' someone at all times, except when asleep or in the bathroom.
Iyanla meets with Jill. They start talking about how Jill feels deprived and how she uses food to cover that feeling. Iyanla asks Jill what she is deprived of, and Jill starts crying. Iyanla asks her to sit on the ground with her and Jill lays on the ground with her head in Iyanla's lap and cries. She says she doesn't feel feminine and wants men to love her for who she is. Iyanla says Jill feels this way because she didn't have a father-figure growing up. She tells Jill to repeat the following: "I forgive myself for feeling unwanted by my father. I forgive myself for judging myself as unlovable. I am worthy of love. I am loved right now." Jill repeats after her and cries.
Lisa goes out on the street and asks her questions of various men. They all say they don't want to be with a woman who is completely dependent and can't hold a job. She then meets with Rhonda and tells her the results. Lisa says she has learned the difference between the illusion of freedom and real freedom. Rhonda thinks Lisa has been working hard and is ready to wear adult clothes again. Rhonda asks Lisa whether she is willing to put the work into being an adult now, and Lisa says she is.
TJ is talking to Christina as Christina is working on creating a design on a piece of paper. TJ is plugged into her. TJ says she needs someone to go outside with her and smoke a cigarette. Christina, half-jokingly, says that TJ can go alone since she called her art piece 'ghetto'. At this point, TJ unplugs from Christina and flings the cord (she does it jokingly), and it lands on Christina's art and messes it up. Christina says she 'hates' TJ. They both seem to be somewhat joking, but Christina seems genuinely angry that TJ messed up her artwork.
Jessica, TJ and Jill are outside talking. Jessica is talking about the events of 9/11, and TJ says she would have immediately picked up the phone and called her mom when it happened. Jessica gets angry and starts crying. She tells TJ that she tried to do that too. TJ realizes her insensitivity to Jessica, and covers her mouth with her hands. She apologizes, but Jessica says she can't talk to her and gets up and leaves.
Preview: TJ may have met her match and gets some tough love from her housemates, and Christina reveals her shocking past.
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Lisa Is Still A Baby
Lisa is still dressed like a baby, and is having a tantrum. TJ, who is still playing Lisa's mommy, puts her in 'time out', and Lisa starts talking about how angry she is with her parents. She says her mom never showed her how to do anything, and they never gave her birthday parties.
The women are told they are going out for a night of dancing/drinking, but Lisa can't go, and is told she will have to stay home with a babysitter. She feels persecuted/like people are out to get her, but resigns herself to stay home. The babysitter arrives for Lisa. She reads to Lisa, and interacts with her like she is a child. The other women go out and seem to have a good time, but Allison says she would rather be home. She says she thinks it is important for her to be there, however, to get to know the other women. TJ calls home to check up on Lisa during the night.
The next morning a belly dancer, Juliana, comes to instruct them on belly dancing. The instructor shows them various dances and they all practice the moves. Allison is physically uncomfortable with the dancing because of her surgery, but she does it anyway. Lisa, still dressed in the baby dress, says it is the first time she has ever been exposed to bellydancing. TJ asks Lisa how she feels about it, and Lisa gets annoyed. She says, 'it makes me feel sexy, mommy, just like you'. TJ asks Lisa if she is being inappropriate, and Lisa says 'no, I'm not', implying that TJ is acting inappropriately.
Iyanla and Rhonda arrive for group. Allison goes over her surgery and says she currently has an infection she's battling. Iyanla says Allison talks about the infections as if it's a mild head cold. Iyanla says that Allison looked her right in the face and told her she was fine, and asks Allison why she says that when it is not true. Allison says there is a disconnect between her heart and her emotions. Iyanla then opens the plasma, and they show the video of Allison graduating last season. Allison says she felt real and happy then, and felt committed to life. Iyanla then asks her why she is here, and Allison says she is not happy. Iyanla tells Allison that her unhappiness started before she got cancer, and Allison agrees. She says she's hasn't been happy in quite some time. Jill starts crying and says she identifies with Allison. She wonders how it is possible for a person to go through life so dissatisfied for such a long time without doing anything about it. Jill says she has done the same thing Allison has done in that regard. Allison says she had to deny how she felt in order to continue to function. Iyanla asks Allison how she really feels, and she says she feels fat, ugly and disfigured. Her goal is the same as last season's: Living Large.
Dr. Stan and Jill meet and discuss Jill's weight issues. Jill tells Stan that she has always been overweight. She says she started working on losing weight when she was in the 8th grade. Her mom put her on a diet, and it worked, but was a deprivation diet. Jill says that she didn't have a 'boyfriend' during high school, but that she did attract boys for sex. Stan says that he is going to help her explore the issues that underlie Jill's weight issues.
Rhonda and Lisa meet, and Lisa tells Rhonda she has come to some realizations from the baby exercise. She observed TJ acting as her mother, and understands that TJ was trying her best. She realizes now that her mom did the best she could too and that she can have compassion for her now. Rhonda gives her another assignment: Go to a mock job interview in her pink baby dress, but act as an adult.
Lisa arrives at her mock interview. She tells the interviewer, Stacey, that she has trouble saying inappropriate things, and has not held a job for more than 2 years. The interviewer says she sees red flags because of the gaps in Lisa's work history. Stacey then asks Lisa why she is wearing the pink dress, and Lisa explains to her that she is wearing it because she has acted like a baby emotionally, and that wearing the dress is a step towards progressing away from that behavior.
Iyanla and Allison meet. Allison tells her that the bellydancing was uncomfortable and painful, but that she wanted to do it anyway. Allison's first step is learning to live in balance. Allison says she needs to have her mind retrained in order to reach her goals. Iyanla asks Allison whether she is ready to date and be intimate with a man. Allison says she doesn't know whether she is ready, but she is ready to try. Iyanla tells her she has an appointment to see a doctor and to take a housemate with her.
Allison asks TJ to go to the doctor with her, and TJ talks non-stop on the long drive to the doctor's office. Allison says it is difficult to be around TJ because she talks incessantly and is crass.
Jill goes to 24 Hour Fitness, and Marcus Pierce from last season is there! He takes her measurments and discusses her weight loss goals. Jill then gets on the treadmill and starts exercising.
That's about it for today's episode. It wasn't one of the better SO's I've seen.
Preview: Lisa may have finally gone too far. TJ is pushed to the edge, and Jessica snaps.
Monday, October 10, 2005
Lisa Is A Baby
The show
begins with the women meeting for group and right away we get to hear Lisa
tells her story. Lisa lives in an apartment her parents bought for her.
Her parents pay all of Lisa's expenses. She hasn't really held a job for long
because she always gets fired by sabotaging herself in some way. She was
briefly married to a man she barely knew so that he could get his green card.
She says she didn't even like him--they were married for two years, and she
thinks the only reason she did it was to rebel against her parents. While
telling her story she laughs and seems sort of proud, and the other women and
life coaches get frustrated with her. One of the women says her 'marriage' to
the green card guy is like being a prostitute (I toally disagree with this assessment),
and Lisa starts getting very angry at being judged. Iyanla piles on and says
Lisa 'sells herself' and that Lisa insults the integrity of the SO house by
being so proud of her bad behavior. Lisa totally loses it and starts
crying hysterically, while Iyanla tells her that she has poisoned herself with
these emotions she keeps inside. Lisa says she feels pathetic. After Lisa
calms down a little, Rhonda (her primary life coach) reveals Lisa's goal: Grow
Up. Group is adjourned.
Stan and
Jessica meet and Jessica tells him that her dad has already remarried. She
feels hurt by it, and feels the woman his dad married doesn't care how she or
her siblings feel. She says she went to their wedding, but stood outside in the
church parking lot. Stan tells her that her father getting married is like him
telling her he has moved on from her mom, and that Jessica has to try to be
happy for her dad.
Rhonda and
Lisa meet and they create her steps. Step 1 is reality check. Step 2, define
adulthood. Step 3, Cut the apron strings. Step 4, Walk without crutches. And
Step 5, Soar. Then Rhonda brings out a box that contains a large pacifier,
oversized baby rattle, big baby bottle, and tells Lisa that since
she feels like a baby she is going to dress and act like one! (OMG, I'm so
embarrassed for Lisa). Rhonda and Lisa meet with the other women in the living
room and Rhonda tells them that Lisa is going to act like a baby in all ways,
and that TJ is going to play her mom. She gives Lisa a silly pink dress and
oversized baby bonnet that she must wear. Lisa is mortified and feels like a
complete fool.
Iyanla and
Jill meet and talk about weight issues. Iyanla sends her to Jenny Craig. Jill
meets with a counselor there and they discuss the diet plan. She is weighed
(346 lbs), and says her goal is to get to 160 lbs.
TJ takes baby
Lisa to a playschool play date with other children. Lisa cries at first because
it's so embarrassing to walk around like that, but eventually goes, and
plays with the other children. Although she feels humiliated, she also says
it's secretly kind of fun. TJ brings her back home.
The women
meet in the living room and Jessica gives a presentation on her art project
about her mom's life. It's very touching and some of the women are crying.
The women put
false nails and costume jewelry on Baby Lisa. Lisa seems to be enjoying
herself. Then they realize that Lisa forgot her blanket at the playschool, and
things turn bad. TJ says they have to go back and get the blanket, and starts
taking the nails, jewelry off Lisa. Lisa protests loudly, just like a 3 year
old. That's how the show ends.
Preview: Lisa
falls apart. Jill reaches out, and Allison's denial takes over.
Friday, October 07, 2005
Allison Arrives and Jill's Story
Allison arrives and talks about her surgeries over the summer. She had several surgeries all at once--a total hysterectomy, right breast removed, and reconstruction of both breasts. She looks really good and appears rather healthy, especially considering all she's been through. She says she wants to finish what she started and feels somewhat stressed because she knows it will be a challenge, but a good one.
The ladies go grocery shopping, and Lisa says over and over again how she doesn't cook at all, and eats at restaurants, etc. I don't know why she keeps saying this--it's not a particularly good quality to have... Anyway, shopping is over and the women have a group meeting with Rhonda and Iyanla.
Rhonda and Iyanla hug/greet Allison and get down to business. The focus of group today is Jill's story. Iyanla is to be her life coach. Jill has issues with her mom, and feels her mom suffocates her. Her mother has lived with her for the past three years after mom lost all her money in a business venture (that she and Jill did together) that failed. Jill says her mom demands that Jill be there for her, and while she loves her mom, she wishes she would get her "foot off my neck". Jill used to be an AM radio talk show host doing a morning gossip show. She dug up dirt and dished until she got fired after an altercation with her producer. She had an argument with her producer, and the producer had secretly turned the mike on so Jill's entire tirade was broadcast over the airwaves. That was the end of that job. Jill talks about her weight issues, and says she has always been big. Iyanla asks is she is addicted to food, and Jill tells her she is. She uses it to stuff down feelings of guilt, resentment, and of not being good enough, and also uses it to pick her up when she's feeling down. She uses food to punish and to hide. Allison relates to Jill on the food issues. Allison has had health issues related too. She had surgery for fibroids that we pressing on her main veins. She then suffered a stroke (!), and other complications from the surgery. She thought she was going to die. After she recovered, she lost 80lbs, but couldn't keep it off.
Iyanla reveals Jill's goal: Come Out Of Hiding. Iyanla says that she knows the truth about Jill, and believes Jill is hiding something big. She tells Jill that she isn't going to do Jill's hustle, and that the jig is up!
Rhonda and Jessica meet about Jessica's goal. Step 1 is to grieve the loss of her mother. Step 2 is to move beyond 9/11. Jessica says that she feels people have used her mother's death to justify doing bad things, and that she also feels she is not supposed to say things like that. Rhonda starts the process of Jessica reconnecting with her mom by talking about the perfume her mom wore, and favorites pajamas she had. Rhonda assigns her a task: make a creative presentation about who her mom was, not about her death.
Iyanla and Jill meet one on one and Iyanla gives her an assignment to create "The Real Jill Show", which is to be a gossip radio show she will perform for her housemates that evening.
Jill prepares for the show, and the housemates gather. Iyanla introduces Jill, and the "radio show" begins. Jill talks about her cupcake diet, in which she would be admired for working out, etc., and then go home and eat a six-pack of cupcakes. Her housemates listen, and although Jill is trying to make the show funny, everybody seems a little uncomfortable. Then Jill talks about when she stole the Prada shoes, and how she had to stop stealing because she didn't want to end up in jail. The final dirt she dug up on herself is that she cheated with her best friend's boyfriend. She talks about how she was secretly seducing the boyfriend and then smiling and acting nice to her friend's face. Ughh. Her housemates/Iyanla then do a couple of 'call-ins'. Iyanla asks how she developed a taste for the finer things and Jill says her family had a lot of money by doing illegal gambling! Lisa calls in and asks if Jill has any girlfriends since she sleeps with their boyfriends. Jill says she does have girlfriends, and that she has taken them for granted. The show is over and Iyanla meets with Jill outside.
Iyanla tells Jill that they do not have a lot of time, and that she is going to give it to her straight. Iyanla says Jill lies to make herself look good, and that dishonesty is her facade. Underneath the dishonesty is self-hatred. Iyanla feels Jill's life is at stake and that if she doesn't start taking herself seriously, there will be major life consequences.
Preview for tomorrow: There is growing tension between TJ and the other women.
Thursday, October 06, 2005
The New Women Enter The House!
The show starts with Iyanla and Rhonda preparing the house for the new women. They set up breakfast for them, assign rooms and leave. The first car pulls up and Lisa steps out. She is a very pretty woman, tall and statuesque with short brown hair. Next to arrive is Jessica, who lives in
The women tour the house and start getting to know each other. Jill calls her mom and tells her about the house, and dishes about Lisa. She describes Lisa as a "gnat". Her mom tells her to be nice, and to hide the horns!
Stan, Iyanla and Rhonda arrive to greet the ladies. The go over the basic house rules and reasons why a person would leave the house. Then they give them directions and tell them to dress comfortably for an exercise later in the day. They will be doing an exercise that Iyanla says will show whether they are ready to start over.
On the way to their destination, Jill says that she used to do paparazzi work, and although she was hanging out with a rich crowd, she wasn't making the money she wanted to make. So she decided to shoplift some Prada shoes from Neiman Marcus! She got caught and was arrested for shoplifting. Jill tells the story in a very unremorseful, almost boastful way, but I'm sure she must feel remorse for the theft on some level (?).
They arrive at their destination--I believe it's called Institute Adventures. They meet up with Iyanla and Rhonda and the director of the Institute. The ladies are given a challenge. They must stand on a wooden triangular structure, and without touching the gravel in the middle of the structure, they are to work together with rope to retrieve a red key that's been placed in the gravel. (This exercise is kind of hard to explain.) They have 10 minutes, but fail to get the key. During the exercise TJ mistakenly touches the gravel and tells Jessica. Jessica tells her not to worry about it because nobody saw her. Iyanla says this points to Jessica having integrity issues. Iyanla also says that their failure to get the key just means that the SO house will be more challenging than they imagined.
The next challenge is a 50ft Alpine Tower that they must climb up while wearing a harness. All the ladies seem to do OK with this challenge, except Jill, who is afraid to climb it, but Iyanla encourages her to try. Jill puts her all into the climb, and makes it about a third of the way up before deciding that she's reached her limit. Iyanla says it was an honest attempt, and they let Jill back down.
The final challenge is a 30ft free fall/swing. Each lady is hoisted up in a harness to 30 ft in the air, and then they let go and drop/swing. All the women do well on this task. With that, the challenges are over and they head home for a meeting with Iyanla and Rhonda.
Back at the house, they have group and are told that Alison from last season will be joining them soon, but has some personal issues so she couldn't be there today. They then discuss the exercises they did today, and Iyanla brings up the 'integrity issue' regarding Jessica telling TJ that nobody saw her touch the gravel and so it was OK. Jessica says it's hard to hear that she has an integrity issue, but she does see this reflected in her life.
So the first woman they are focusing on is Jessica. They show photos of her childhood home and of her dog Piper, and a photo of her parents. She used to have a boyfriend and they lived together for 4 1/2 years, but they have since broken up. She also used to have a successful career, but recently quit her job. She now lives alone with her dog in
The women make dinner and TJ is acting very outspoken. As they eat their meal, they bicker a little about the day's exercise. TJ claims to be a 'natural take charge' kind of person, but says her intention is not to control. Lisa says in the one-on-one room that she is uncomfortable with TJ because she talks so much. Jill thinks TJ is a basket case and a control freak. I think TJ has a lot of issues, to say the least. I can't wait to hear her story.
Preview for tomorrow: Alison arrives!
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
Goobye To The Couples
Troy is up at the podium in a continuation of yesterday's BOR. He is claiming his power, and is asked by the life coaches to pound his chest and give a Tarzan yell. He looks a little uncomfortable, but does it anyway. Troy seems to be finding his own voice, and I'm happy for him. He is asked what grade he would give himself, and at first gives himself a B+, but changes it to an A, and says he wants the A in his Tarzan voice. He gets an A-. The minus is because there is still room for a little improvement, according to Rhonda.
Michael is up next. He talks about calling his mom to tell her he loves her--this is something Michael has not done in many years because of a grudge he's held against her for how she treated his father. Mike realizes now that his mom was doing the best she could, and I believe he is now in the process of forgiveness. When asked what grade he thinks he deserves, he says that before he would have given himself a B, because he would have thought there was something he wasn't doing, but now he gives himself an A, and feels that he has earned it. His housemates all have something positive to say about his time in the house. Iyanla gives him an A, and he will be asked to come back. (I missed yesterday's episode, but it looks like the couples will return to the SO house later in the season.)
Kacie is up for review next. She says she is there to stop letting anger and fear control her life. She says she is now facing the physical/sexual abuse she experienced as a child, and it is very difficult. the housemates all agree that Kacie is still holding back and needs to reach out more, but they think she should come back. Iyanla then gives Kacie the most passionate, heartfelt review I've ever seen on SO. She tells Kacie that she must take responsibility for her own healing. She says that she has to tell her story because her story will heal her. She talks about the millions of women who have been effected by sexual abuse/rape--6 out of 10 women experience some form of sexual abuse in their lifetime. She says many of these women didn't make it through, but Kacie has and that means she is here for a purpose. Iyanla tells Kacie that she has locked away a part of herself, and that this part of herself is unavailable to her daughter. She says the men who abused Kacie, who stole her innocence are now locked up inside of her and she carries them around with her. She gives Kacie a blank grade, and again tells her she can't heal until she shares her story. Iyanla then asks Kacie to meet by the pool after the BOR.
Iyanla and Kacie sit by the pool, and Iyanla tells her that she hasn't yet opened up and therefore her healing is slow. Kacie says she hasn't shared because she doesn't want people to feel pity for her. Iyanla says nobody will pity her at the SO house. She tells Kacie that she has allowed a piece of herself to be closed off from everyone. She can't unlock that part of herself alone--she needs help. Kacie starts crying and describes the locked up pain as 'toxic'. Iyanla hugs her and tells her a lesser woman would not have survived the abuse. Iyanla says she can't wait to see all the good things to come after Kacie releases this pain. Kacie gives herself an A on the blank grade card after her meeting with Iyanla.
Kacie then goes into the room where they talk one on one to the camera (I don't know what that room is called), and begins speaking her peace. She talks about her experiences in foster care. She was molested, not fed, forced to give sexual favors for food, physically attacked, had her hair all cut off, and couldn't read or write until she was 15. I will not give Kacie pity because that is not what she wants. Instead I will say that I empathize with her tremendous pain, and I think she is an incredibly courageous person for talkiing about the horrors she endured. I hope for such good things for Kacie. She is so very strong, and doesn't yet realize just how strong she really is. Once she discovers that strength, she can use it to do anything in the world she chooses.
The housemates are all sad to be leaving today, but are also excited to try out all the new skills they've learned in the house. Iyanla and Rhonda meet with them all and they discuss the improvements in their relationships. They all rate their relationships higher than when they came into the house, and continue to keep improving things. Then Iyanla meets with the men, and Rhonda meets with the women. They all talk about their best/worst times in the house. Iyanla tells the men it was an honor to work with them, and thanks them for showing up at the house.
Michael and Jacyln have decided to take a 90 day break from their relationship. They both say it would be sad if their relationship doesn't ultimately work out, but they would be OK, and have grown from the experience either way.
The couples leave one by one, and Dr. Stan, Rhonda and Iyanla are there to see them off. Each couple is given a plant and told that how they care for it symbolizes how they care for their relationship. Everybody leaves with a mixture of sadness and hope for the future. What a touching episode!!
Preview for tomorrow: Six new women arrive!! And there's already trouble from one of them as 'sparks fly'. Iyanla calls one of the women a 'liar, liar pants on fire'. LOL I can't wait to meet the new women!
PJ Abney on iFilm
Hope is the story of a troubled girl who chooses to end her life. The journey begins when her life has ended. To save her soul from death, Hope must choose to help the living from choosing the same self-destructive path.
PJ plays the living but I'm sad to see she's getting typecast as the "fat girl". Watch the entire film.
Towanda Pregnancy Pics
Apparently Towanda is Pregnant:
Via Kim Bookout's site.
Tuesday, October 04, 2005
No Update Today
Aggh!! I could not watch the show today due to unforeseen circumstances--local breaking news. ...Special thanks to Sahara who wrote a great recap under Today's Episode in the discussion forum, so check it out if you missed today's show. There will be a full recap tomorrow as usual...
Monday, October 03, 2005
Lou's Second BOR, Jacyln Sees An Expert
Lou's 48 hours are up, and the housemates are nervous for him. They, along with Iyanla and Rhonda, meet and the BOR is in session. Lou gets positive feedback from his housemates. They all feel he has changed in the last 48 hours. He has stopped hiding behind jokes and is much more focused. Lou says he's been touched by all of the support and encouragement he has received from everyone. He said the letter they all wrote for him was 'awesome'. He is relieved that he no longer has to hide behind his tough, jokester facade, and says he can finally breathe. He tells Jennifer she can now expect a willing participant--someone who is emotionally available and open to her. Rhonda comments on all the good work Lou has been doing and gives him a B+.
Kacie starts up on Simon, saying that she has let all her walls down, but that he hasn't. Simon counters by saying she never compliments the way he looks, and is always criticizing his appearance in some way. Kacie denies.
Dr. Stan meets with Jacyln and tells her they are sending her to a sexual assault expert to help her deal with being raped later in the day. Today is the one year 'anniversary' of the assault and Jacyln says she feels numb and confused. I'm glad she's going to get some counseling.
Iyanla meets with Simon regarding race issues that have bothered him since he was a child. Simon is Pakistani, but he was always considered black at school because his skin is dark. He suffered racism in school, and identifies with being black, more so than with his Pakistani heritage. Iyanla asks Simon about his numerous tattoos. At first Simon says the tattoos are there to hide himself, but Iyanla points out that the tattoos make him stand out. He then realizes that he is using the tattoos to divert attention away from his true self. Iyanla goes on to tell him that Kacie cannot cure his insecurity--no matter how much she says she loves him, it won't make him secure--he must do that for himself.
Rhonda meets with the group and they discuss infidelity, and that emotional infidelity is also cheating. They discuss
Jacyln meets with the sexual assault expert, Dr. Baird. She is struggling with blaming herself for the rape, and Dr. Baird tells her that she did not choose to be raped, and would never have chosen such a terrible thing. Jacyln seems to accept that and it helps her to see that perspective. She says she never reported the rape, and is now thinking of doing so.
Cheryl and
Preview for tomorrow: Kacie and Simon continue to deal with their relationship problems and 'can't see eye to eye'. Jacyln and Michael have a major decision to make about their relationship, and another Board of Review is announced. All the housemates will be participating in this one.
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